Stardate 06062003
I have to write this quickly and under extreme duress. The ship has been taken over by a hostile life form and within minutes they will discover my hiding place and destroy me. Hopefully, this transmission will be beamed to the nearest relay station. This is not a plea for assistance, but a record of the final minutes leading to the death of the last known human being.
The Elegant Universe Unfolds
My entire raison d’être for being in Los Angeles was pre-empted by the miraculous appearance of St. Pamela Anderson at the San Francisco GLAAD awards. GLAAD, which stands for Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, each year honors individuals and projects that portray gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered folks in a fair and accurate way. The award ceremony, which is also a fundraiser, is held in New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco. Judy Shepherd, mother of Mathew Shepard, presented Stockard Channing with the Golden Gate Award. Channing played Shepard in the NBC movie The Mathew Shepard Story.
Okay, that’s the newsy bit.
So in the last ABOUT TOWN I said I was going to Los Angeles in search of the elusive chance encounter with Pamela Anderson. And then I end up running into her in San Francisco. DAMN! THWARTED! So much for the thrill of the hunt. Bruce Villanch, erstwhile center square on THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES and the go-to guy to punch up an awards show with jokes, made a surprise appearance. Anderson and Villanch did the tiny hug, oh-my-god, thing and I realized I was witnessing an L.A. moment in San Francisco on the night before I was moving. It was as if Hollywood was sending out the greeting committee and preparing me for tiny hugs galore.
Bruce told me he was a “walking gag” and I’m not sure what he meant. Pamela was definitely the belle of the ball and she posed for more pictures than anybody.
I Did Not Burn Up On Re-Entry
The first night out, I hit up a BAFTA (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) screening of the new Thaddeus O’Sullivan film, THE HEART OF ME, starring Paul Bettany, Olivia Williams and Helena Bonham Carter. Would you be surprised if I told you it was a period piece? It’s practically a cliché to cast Bonham Carter. My suspicion is that she does these movies just to wear the clothes. I’m sure her beau, Tim Burton, doesn’t mind if she parades around in period dress. I wonder if he’ll cast her in the role of Veruca Salt in the remake of WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY everyone’s been buzzing about. I can totally see that. Except that Bonham Carter is like, too old, for the part. But if it was an interpretation of that original story by Roald Dahl, then yeah. And Charlie could then be played by Paul Rudd in a space suit. And Wonka could be played by Kevin Spacey in a straight jacket. And all the oompa-loompas could be played by Jack Black wearing bondage gear.
That wacky Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Willy Wonka, indeed.
Paul Bettany had a bit of an embarrassing moment while filming a sex scene for the movie. Bonham Carter farted on Bettany’s flaccid penis. Evidently they weren’t using pillows and tricky camera angles. “Being British, I didn’t know what to do, while Helena was just busting up. She said, ‘Paul, I just farted on your penis. That’s funny.’”
THE HEART OF ME is set around World War Two in England and is about a woman who is having an affair with her brother-in-law (played by Bettany). The affair turns tragic, splitting their lives apart until after the war when the two sisters are again reunited.
Bonham Carter says its about “vaginas and death.”
Bettany, who is married to Jennifer Connelly can also be seen opposite Russell Crowe in the Twentieth Century Fox flick MASTERS AND COMMANDERS which opens in November, the Fox folks tell me.
When the touchy subject came up of how to tell a war story that isn’t a one-sided polemic of patriots and heroes, Bettany responded, “America is so powerful. Dissent should be praised and now we are all getting to be afraid of it.” He also said he took his inspiration about power and politics from Noam Chomsky. UNDERSTANDING POWER is an excellent Chomsky primer for those who are so inclined.
Star Wars, Comic Books, and the Importance of a Strong Brand Identity
Makes you wonder what George Lucas was reading when he was dreaming up STAR WARS. Writing about Lucas is just too easy. Starwars.com is getting a facelift and will be relaunched. I found Marvel Comics STAR WARS #5 (1977) in a thrift store, bagged and boarded, for only a buck. If I ever get near a scanner, I’ll put up a few choice panels. My favorite part is how the writer, Roy Thomas, keeps reminding the reader how everything is happening IN SPACE! For example, Princess Leia is a Space-Princess. STAR WARS is a space-fantasy. Luke is a space-pilot. It’s kind of like my Pam Anderson in San Francisco moment. An awkward transition that looks naïve in retrospect.
But STAR WARS was brand-new then. The epic had yet to unfold. We didn’t even know that Luke and Leia were brother and sister or that Darth Vader was their father or that Darth’s real name was Anikin or that his mother was a slave. We just didn’t know! The 1950s sci-fi aficionado only had the world of space adventures to try to describe what was happening in Lucas’ Magnum Opus. Anyway, in case you didn’t know, STAR WARS takes place in SPACE! But everything takes place in space. I’m an Earth-based space-writer living in outer-space. Everyone is a space-wo/man. We are all from outer-space. I don’t know what that means just yet. But it could be big. Very very big.
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Lucas is currently building a new home for his empire in the former Army base known as the Presidio in San Francisco. He’s moving his digs south across the Golden Gate bridge. My old neighbor, a chef, once interviewed for a job as the chef as “The Ranch” which is like the rebel command post of the Lucasverse. During the interview, my neighbor was continually reminded about how the food had to fit into “George’s vision.” Because he found the idea of having to fit into “George’s vision” a little confining, he did not pursue the job. I asked my neighbor what “George’s vision” was exactly but he didn’t know. I asked him, “What if George’s vision was all about you making healthy, balanced choices with a high degree of creative autonomy? What If George’s vision was all about Wookie Snacks and Artoo-Detoo pie?” You never know. It’s not like having to contend with “Steve Jobs’ vision” which would be something like organic cucumber slices that you never have time to eat.
I’m rounding out the weekend at PROMAX, a yearly industry conference that’s all about television marketing and promotion. The most important thing I’ve learned so far is that the Internet matters. It matters more than newspapers and magazines to bring viewers to television shows. It also is starting to matter as the media of choice to present show information to potential advertisers. You, sitting here reading this, are on the cusp of a media revolution. I also learned that prime-time for Internet is between the hours of 11am and 5pm. You see, “before”, broadcasters had no way of reaching their target demo with programming information, and now, they can hawk their wares 24/7. And you’d be surprised how many people use the Internet for news and information.
33 Million U.S. Homes Have Broadband Internet
It’s a good thing that Internet saturation is at about 77 percent. Because the recent FCC relaxing of the rules allowing media companies to own newspapers, radio and television stations in the same market which will mean fewer real choices for content and more importantly, fewer points of view. Web content will be the competitive alternative to what will undoubtedly become streamlined, generic content. It’ll be like everything is USA TODAY. Bland and ubiquitous.
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I also learned that approximately 2 out of 5 people know the MoviePoopShoot.com brand moniker and that one of those two people doesn’t understand its relationship to the View Askewniverse. “So it’s a real thing now because I remember it from that movie,” is what I hear. Yes, it’s a real thing now. We’re like Coke. The Real Thing. Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby.
“That Movie,” (JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKES BACK) I was told, by a guy who would know, is going to be shown next month on Comedy Central. “Wasn’t MoviePoopShoot.com a big part of the movie? That’s where they found out that a movie was being made about them that set up the rest of the movie. That was like a central part of the whole plot,” he tells me excitedly. And then we had to think about how weird and improbable all these blurred lines are and how much of a marketing nightmare it is to brand a webzine with the word “Movie” in the name as a much broader pop-culture publication. Not that my job is to develop the MoviePoopShoot.com brand, but I was at a branding and marketing conference so naturally our conversation turned on the theme at hand.
Such a thing has never been done. It’s like you just have to know that there is more inside than is listed on the box. Like it’s one big bonus prize. It’s like STAR WARS and Pamela Anderson in San Francisco. There is a before … and an after, where the world is no longer the same.
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