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By Patrick Keller
October 29, 2004
Sick Chick Flix
How many times has this happened to you: You're at the video store and you just can't remember which big-budget romantic drama about a rich jerk whose life is turned upside down when he falls in love with a dying hot girl. Or perhaps you're just enjoying life too much and are looking for a reason to swallow a handful of pills. Whatever. You ask the clerk, but he mistakenly recommends RADIO, about a middle-class jerk whose life is turned upside down by a mentally retarded man, and that doesn't quite capture your mood.
Fortunately, you now have this helpful study guide to help you find just the right dying chick/rich jerk movie for you. Keep it handy, but not too handy, because people will see it and laugh at you.
SWEET NOVEMBER
Directed by: No one you've ever heard of.
Tone: Annoying.
Goofy Name in the Credits: What, besides "Keanu"?
The Rich Jerk: Nelson Moss (Keanu Reeves), a type-A workaholic ad executive.
What Kind of Jerk is He? The type that's too busy with his moronically bad hot dog ad pitch to notice that he's currently boning Lorelai Gilmore.
The Dying Babe: Sara Deever (Charlize Theron), an intensely flighty pet website millionaire. (Ah, the pre-bubble days...)
Time Until They Do It: 34 minutes.
Elapsed Time Until He Finds Out He's Done It with a Dying Chick: 56 minutes.
What She's Dying of: Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
Why She's Really Dying: Too obnoxious to live.
The Cute Meet: He gets her kicked out of a driver's test by cheating off her, so she forces him to drive her around the city while she threatens him and breaks various laws.
Felonies Committed: Breaking & entering; robbery (of two small, aggressively cute dogs, one of whom disappears, presumably eaten -- adorably -- by the other when we're not looking).
Their Love is...: Irritating. Nelson and Sara go from annoying the hell out of each other to being madly in love in less than 10 seconds. The audience remains annoyed.
Upset Family Member(s): Sara's sister, her former partner in the magical website, sublimepets.com, who only appears on the other end of an upsetting phone conversation, during which she presumably informed Sara that their combined net worth is now 63 cents.
Is There a Cute Kid: Yep. And his name is Abner. Awww!
Does She Have a Gay Friend? Check.
Is Meaningful Poetry Quoted? No.
Dancing in the Kitchen? Check.
One or More of the Rich Jerk's Parents Dead: Check.
Weepy, Slow-Mo Sex: Yep.
Soundtrack: Wall-to-wall Enya.
His Competition: January through October, one would assume.
He Proves His Devotion By: Turning down that big advertising job offer.
Box Quote: "Sizzles with charm. You'll have a renewed passion for life." (Shawn Edwards, Fox-TV, who quit his meaningless job shortly after. He currently performs puppet shows for the blind.)
Is the Box Quote Accurate: Surprisingly, yes. Once the film ends, you will find yourself much happier that you're not watching it anymore.
Surprising Fact: Keanu and Charlize previously starred together in DEVIL'S ADVOCATE, which also sucked.
Moral: Our heroine refuses to let Nelson watch her die, because, really, who needs all that love and support while you're succumbing to a fatal disease?
HERE ON EARTH
Directed by: Mark Piznarski, who owes me $3.75.
Tone: WB-y.
Goofy Name(s) in the Credits: "A David T. Friendly Production." Apparently David had some time off between seasons of SESAME STREET.
The Rich Jerk: Kelvin "Kelley" Morse (Chris Klein), the moose-like valedictorian at a prep school for terminal underachievers, apparently.
What Kind of Jerk is He? The kind that regularly says things like "He's in London, in the middle of a deal that's going to double our stock price."
The Dying Babe: Samantha "Sam" Cavanaugh (Leelee Sobieski), who falls for Kelley when she sees him reciting his dopey graduation speech, in spite of the fact that he always sounds like he's really baked.
Time Until They Do It: 65 minutes.
Elapsed Time Until He Finds Out He's Done It with a Dying Chick: 7 minutes.
What She's Dying of: Knee Cancer. Seriously.
Why She's Really Dying: Fatal screenwriter laziness.
His Competition: Jasper Arnold (Josh Hartnett), who never really had a chance. I mean, come on... "Jasper"?
The Cute Meet: He smarmily hits on waitress Sam while her boyfriend looks on.
Felonies Committed: Drag racing, resulting in a flaming crash into the gas pumps outside of Sam's family's diner, which Jasper and Kelley are then sentenced to rebuild. (Note to the screenwriter: It would have been just as easy, and far more interesting, at this point to have Jasper and Kelley fall for each other. But, no, you had to take the easy way out. Jackass.)
Their Love is...: Hypnotically mismatched.
Upset Family Member(s): Pick one. Her parents are upset because her sister was knocked up by one of the preppies from the slow kids school. His dad is upset because he wants Kelley to start Princeton early. And everyone else in town seems vaguely unsettled, although that could just be the inbreeding.
Is There a Cute Kid: Yes: Sam's niece, who has the best line in the whole movie, "I have to tinkle." (Second best line: "You're just going to die?" "No, I'm going to live. Just not as long as you.")
Does She Have a Gay Friend? Only if you count her weepy ex-boyfriend.
Is Meaningful Poetry Quoted? Yes. (Twice.)
Dancing in the Kitchen? Check.
Is One or More of the Rich Jerk's Parents Dead: Check.
Weepy, Slow-Mo Sex: Sort of.
Soundtrack: Hip. If by "hip" you mean sounding vaguely like everything else on the radio at the moment.
He Proves His Devotion By: Ditching her when she's close to dying.
Box Quote: "Chris Klein smolders in every scene." (Audrey Fine, Teen Magazine Online.)
Is the Box Quote Accurate: Only if "smolders" is a synonym for "appears mentally challenged."
Surprising Fact: Chris Klein is not, in fact, a beefy mongoloid.
Moral: Hot chicks dig rich jerks.
AUTUMN IN NEW YORK
Directed by: The creepy Asian chick from TWIN PEAKS.
Tone: Lifetime Movie Networky.
Goofy Name(s) in the Credits: Nik Pjeternikaj.
The Rich Jerk: Will Keane (Richard Gere), a 48-year-old womanizing restaurateur.
What Kind of Jerk is He? The kind that has sex with Jill Hennessy while he's on a date with Winona.
The Dying Babe: Charlotte Fielding (Winona Ryder), an enterprising haberdasher and ingenue with quite possibly the worst haircut this side of the "You Give Love a Bad Name" video.
The Cute Meet: While he's on a date with one woman and hitting on two others, Will catches Winona's eye. He has her grandmother introduce her to him.
Time Until They Do It: 25 minutes.
Elapsed Time Until He Finds Out He's Done It with a Dying Chick: 3 minutes. (Ouch!)
Amount of Time We're Left with the Uncomfortable Possibility That He's Dating His Daughter: 8 minutes 35 seconds.
What She's Dying of: Heart cancer.
Why She's Really Dying: Lousy metaphors.
His Competition: Her common sense.
Felonies Committed: Petty theft -- she steals his watch.
Their Love is...: Creepy. He used to date her mother.
Upset Family Member(s): Grandma, in spite of the fact that she introduced them.
Is There a Cute Kid: Two, in fact. The Dying Girl reads them a story while her date is busy boning his ex.
Does She Have a Gay Friend? Yes.
Is Meaningful Poetry Quoted? Yes.
Dancing in the Kitchen? Strangely, no.
One or More of the Rich Jerk's Parents Dead: God, I hope so.
Weepy, Slow-Mo Sex: Yep.
He Proves His Devotion By: Not boning every woman he sees. Usually.
Box Quote: "An all-stops-out love story... with uncommon intelligence and honesty!" (Los Angeles Times.)
Is the Box Quote Accurate: Good Lord, no.
Surprising Fact: This film was shot entirely in Boise, Idaho. In July. New York and autumn were added digitally.
Moral: Never, ever date your father.
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