"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." – Morpheus, THE MATRIX.

Blue pill: The story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.

Red pill: You stay in Wonderland, are shown how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Half-Red, Half-Blue pill: The story ends, Morpheus shows you his hole.

Half-Blue, Half-Red pill: You wake up with Morpheus after a Hole concert dressed as a rabbit.

Purple pill: Wake up with a Prince tattoo.

Purple pill (extra strength): Wake up with Prince.

Purple pill w/smiley face: Ecstasy.

Green pill: You stay in Wonderland, get an apartment with some guys.

Orange pill: The story ends, you wake up dazed and bloody in a Denny’s restroom.

Orange and black pill (striped) : The story keeps going. You get bored.

Greenish pill: Wake up in a nightmarish "opposite world" where Ed McMahon was the host and Johnny was the sidekick. However, here the MATRIX sequels did not suck, so it’s kind of a wash.

Red pill (star-shaped) : Turns you GAY. (To be handed out with condoms at local high schools.)

Brown pill: Wake up believing that your tricked-out 1989 Honda gets women all kinds of hot.

Little, yellow, different: Nuprin.

Blue-Green pill: Gets you so high that you actually believe you're just part of a giant computer program, man.

White pill: Dunno. Bought off of some guy.

Eggshell pill: Wake up as a fruity cowboy on a childrens' show.

Cream pill: Wake up with a severed horse head in your bed.

Off-White pill: Wake up with sudden, inexplicable fetish for bald black men.

Ecru pill: Wake up as a giant cockroach answering to the name "Lenny."

Taupe pill: Mild pain reliever

Off-Taupe pill: Sudden, unexplained anal bleeding.

Ivory pill: Wake up, realize that you’re Keanu Reeves. Shoot self.

Ultraviolet pill: Relieves jock itch. (Please note: Side-effects may include flatulence, vomiting, abrupt loss of vision, farting and vomiting while going blind, inappropriate hand gestures, rampant lesbianism, a series of massive heart attacks, crippling diarrhea, allergies to pet hair and oxygen, irrational hatred of the governor of Wisconsin, sudden loss of balance and good taste, an inability to distinguish between loved ones and large rocks, mewing like a kitty during religious ceremonies, intermittent attraction to semi-professional wrestlers, naming your children after cars, spontaneously reciting the pledge of allegiance in your sleep, flammability, pyromania, shortness of breath, shortness of liquid assets, fear of intimacy, starting a land war in Asia, itchy feet, leprosy, crying at television commercials, and pregnancy. May cause you to believe that the UPS man is stealing your luggage. Which he is. If you find yourself compelled to shave small animals, seek a doctor's attention immediately. Preferably a vet. Do not take after midnight or before meals with a fish course. May result in spontaneous widespread hair loss or lycanthropy. Avoid reading and operating heavy machinery. That’s good advice in general, whether you’re on this medication or not. May cause erections in the elderly. If erection persists for more than 48 hours, please alert Penthouse Letters. Do not attempt to make phone calls using cans of beans. Avoid following religions espoused by pop stars. Take one pill every hour or a half pill every half-hour, and half off all red-tagged merchandise. Call your mother once in a while. Note: Pill may be ineffective against all fungus.)

Beige pill: Wake up refreshed after a full night's rest. (Warning: Slight chance of waking up next to Mickey Rourke.)

Mauve pill: Cat suppository.

Yellowish pill, square: For headaches resulting from hours of staring at green Matrix readout screens and/or explaining the nature of the universe to Neo.

Burgundy pill: Causes cancer in rats.

Purple, Green, Orange, Yellow, Red pills: Skittles.

Blue pill, rectangular: Re: Wake up with erection for lowest price on the net! Also, horny teen virgins want to show you their w3bcamz.

Teal pill: Wake up with no memory of spending three years making two crappy sequels.

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