We were cornered, to be sure. Deep inside the caverns of the hidden Nazi base, our backs against the wall, with one very determined Nazi guard and his gun at our fronts.

"Zo, you Americans zot you could just valtz into our zecret base, did you?"

Gene could take no more of this Kraut's condescension. "This base is fit Fuhrer a king! You'll Goebbels it up!"

"You von't sweet talk your vay out of zis one, American svine!" He laughed maniacally, and I tried my best not to let the fear get the best of me. Gene, as always, was as steady as a rock. "At last! Gene Shalit, world famous boy spy, has been captured! Ze Fuhrer will make me commander of ze SS for zis! Ha ha ha ha--"

Fearing the worst, I hid behind Gene and closed my eyes. This is it. The end. At least I would die here, with the bravest boy the world has ever known. We had been on many adventures, Gene and I, but if this was to be the last time I was able to admire his mighty mane, then so be it.

Just then, a mighty CRACK filled the air. I opened my eyes. No blood. Wait, that was no gunshot! It was... Pauline Kael, girl detective! She had saved us with a wooden plank to that fiend's head.

"Pauline!" I shouted.

"Miss Kael will have you Pauline for more!" said Gene. "I WOODn't trade her for the world!"

"Surely you didn't think I was going to let this clichéd adolescent power fantasy take a sudden, unexpected turn into overblown melodrama. I wouldn't give you the satisfaction. Now let's get out of here."

"Cut and run just when it's gettin' fun? Don't jump the gun! You have to see this one."

"I'm afraid Gene's right, Pauline. We have to stop the Nazis from activating their Atomic Engine."

"I should have seen this development coming. It was broadcast from the first minute, and yet I held out hope that the primitive unpredictability inherent in the performances would carry over to the plot."

Pauline sure is smart, but she talks too much. "C'mon," I said. "I think it's just down this hallway!"

"There it is," I whispered.

"With all the hype and build-up, I was expecting more," Pauline chimed in. "Instead, all we get is an oversized diesel engine and some light bulbs. To be certain, the chiaroscuro lighting does make it slightly more impressive, but that doesn't change the fact that it's just an engine."

"I'm all revved up! It's a gas!" rebutted Gene, as insightful as ever.

We crouched behind a rock just on the edge of the lab. The evil genius, Prof. Giltensherr, tended to his sinister device, the Atomic Engine, that, when switched on, would decimate all of America. I leaned over to try and get a better look past Gene's hair. "Oh no!" It was worse than I had imagined! Hidden past Gene's mass of luxurious, curly black hair was... a second Atomic Engine! We were doomed for sure!

Gene gasped. "It's double the death! Twin terrors! Binary badness!"

"W-what do we do now?" I finally managed to stammer.

"The tradition in stale situations like this one would be to split up the group to dispatch the dual contrivances, and I see no reason why anyone would deviate from the standard now. I'll disconnect the one on the left. Inevitably, as the token female, I will be captured and put into distress, thus highlighting the inherent misogyny of the medium."

"Good plan!" I said.

"She's the cat's pyjamas… and the rest of the kitty's clothing!"

"C'mon, Gene… We can sneak behind here." I started making my way around the back of the cave. I was nearly to the Atomic Engine when I realized that Gene wasn't behind me.

"Ja wohl? More like ja won't! These Nazis will drive you nutzis, am I reich?" Oh no! He was right out in the open! Giltensherr knows we're here!

"Vas? Gene Shalit, boy spy! I should have known!" He shifted his gaze around the room. "Ah, and his faithful sidekick Fatty Ebert, too!"

"You won't get away with this! Siskey's already halfway to the Army and the Navy by now!"

Just then, I heard a familiar voice. "Lemme go, you ham-fisted goon!"

One of the Ratzis pushed Siskey into the room. "Ve caught zis one, Herr Giltensherr. He vas in the commissary."

"I can't help it! I never get to eat when Fatty's around!"

Oooh. What a mean thing to say! "That's not fair! You know I have a glandular problem, Siskey!"

"I can't WEIGHT to see what happens next," Shalit said. His words cut me like a knife. Oh, Gene, how could you?

"SILENCE, fools! Now, quiver as I activate ze Atomic Engines! Zoon, America vill be rubble!" He threw the lever, and both engines hummed to life.

"Not if we GESTAPO you first, Prussian pest!"

Can our courageous critic cease the madman's plan in time? Will the afro'd author act in time? Can Fatty lay off the fried foods, just for a while?

Tune in next week for more... Adventures of Young Gene Shalit!

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