July 23, 2004
ENTER THE DRAGONS
Few topics are as difficult for parents to broach to their kids as the subject of bad movies, largely because too many of them are unaware that "broach" is a synonym for "bring up" and not just something that you pin to a blouse. The fact is, most people "experiment" with bad movies at one time or another in their lives. It's an unavoidable part of growing up, of testing one's boundaries, of being a part of a group. Most parents today found themselves at a party at one time or another where maybe they tried a little SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT II, or perhaps the occasional Andrew McCarthy movie. Sure, there was usually a rough crowd that was into the harder stuff, your "XANADU-heads," but that never caught on with the general populace. Kids today, however, feel pressures to head straight for the hard stuff. But how are parents supposed to talk to the youth of today about the dangers of movies like GLITTER and YOU GOT SERVED when many of them keep a tape of POLICE ACADEMY II hidden in the bedroom closet?
No matter. You must do it, parents. You MUST. And not just because bad movies will rot your child's brain, but because they are a tool of SATAN. And I have proof:
DUNGEONS & DRAGONS.
D&D (as it's called by those in the know, of which you may now count yourself as one, sucker) is the epic tale of the kingdom of Ismeer, which, I believe, is a kind of marsupial. Ismeeer is a land living in fear, fear of Jeremy Irons, who has overacted the population into submission, and toppled their rightful leader, Empress Saliva, played by Thora Birch right before she fired her agent. Fortunately, Ismeeeer has two heroes who have risen to challenge Darth... er, Jeremy: A Wayans and that guy who played Jimmy Olsen on LOIS & CLARK.
Did I say "fortunately"? Sorry. That was a typo. I meant to write, "Good Lord, they're screwed."
Irons portrays ProfienŽ (ask your doctor today), and by "portrays" I mean he acts the living hell out of his lines, like he's channeling every bad Hannibal Lecter impression of the last decade or so. Anyway, ProfienŽ is on a quest to control all the crappy computer-generated effects in the land, and to do so, he needs to obtain the Rod of Kwarfingten, or one of those names that they always give magical artifacts in fantasy movies. Why he didn't just head on down to Industrial Light & Magic and flog a computer-science major or two is beyond me.
So our "heroes" set off on a quest to get to the rod before ProfienŽ does, and along the way they are joined by a librarian, the world's tallest elf, and a dwarf that looks suspiciously like Joe Piscopo. But rather than going straight for the rod, they take a pleasant detour through a colorful renaissance fair, and then Superman's Pal is forced to run through an old Indiana Jones set to retrieve the plot. Meanwhile, ProfienŽ is busy dismantling the senate so he can... invade Poland? Sell it for scrap? Make Thora Birch dress up like an extra in a Prince video? No, she's already doing that. Honestly, it's never explained exactly what he wants to do, but one thing is clear: DUNGEONS & DRAGONS is a movie utterly unafraid to bring all the excitement of a city council meeting to the screen! Thrill as a motion is tabled! Awe at the parliamentary procedure! Delight in middle-aged white men making decisions that don't affect you!
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Meanwhile, in a completely different movie, the rest of the cast are on a tour of some of the finest scale models of castles in all the land, and Jimmy's sidekick is busy Wayansing all over the place. Thankfully, ProfienŽ's enforcer Dammitar, who looks like Captain Picard in bondage gear and says every line like a badly constipated Shatner, intrudes and beats the Wayans silly. The movie's presumptive hero enters the scene just in time to see his best friend hurled to his death, which begs the question, why didn't he just use his signal watch and end this ages ago?
No such luck. Instead, Dammitar beats the snot out of him too, and the librarian has to save his sorry ass. On the plus side, we're down a Wayans, with only 520 more to go to stop any possibility of WHITE CHICKS 2. The surviving heroes retreat to the Ewok trees, where Merv Griffin uses his healing powers (who knew?) to save Jimmy, who proceeds to mourn his best friend by totally macking on the librarian. Then, after an awkward goodbye and a promise to totally call her mirror tomorrow, our hero heads off to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride to obtain the ring... I mean rod, which Dammitar promptly steals. Nice job, Jimmy.
Fortunately, Thora has her own rod, and so her crappy CGI and ProfienŽ's crappy CGI have the epic battle that the whole movie has been leading up to. Except the director gets totally distracted by watching two presumably straight men having a very enthusiastic fight over a rod. Who will control the fake dragons? WHO?
I won't spoil the end, but ProfienŽ dies, and Thora returns Ismeeeeer to a period of peace and prosperity. Oh, and everyone explodes. The end.
Oops.
NEXT WEEK: The author tries to avoid having the holy living crap beaten out of him by a former TV superhero sidekick.
FDA Warning: ProfienŽ may cause joint pain, headaches, nausea, uncomfortable rectal itch (especially in public places or around potential mates), "plumber's toe," a messiah complex, irregular heartbeat, ringing in the ears, a tendency to refer to complete strangers as "dude," frequent and unanticipated bowel movements in enclosed spaces, and an inexplicable sexual attraction to ferrets. Do not take ProfienŽ if you are now or have ever been a communist. ProfienŽ has been shown to cause studies of cancer in rats. Avoid operating heavy machinery, especially construction cranes. This has nothing to do with this medication; it's just good advice. Those things are scary! If you begin walking in slow motion through fields or along beaches with your mate or life partner, do not be alarmed. This is perfectly natural, and should pass after 30 seconds. If it continues any longer, consult a film crew. ProfienŽ should not be taken by anyone riding on a bus moving less than 55 miles per hour. ProfienŽ may not be rebroadcast without the express written consent of the Major League Baseball Association. Sorry, Tennessee.
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