Hollywood has endured boycotts, lawsuits, even legislation, yet stubbornly refuses to stop sucking. As luck would have it, though, science is once again looking out for you where those pantywaist commie liberals won't. Science! Inventor of the remote control and cheese! Discoverer of liquids that unclog your sink and stop that pesky painful discharge! Science! Destroyer of zombies! Vengeful god who will smite all non-believers with its mighty Sword of Calculus! Voted Best Ribs in Boise! Hooray for Science!

Yes, because of Science, there are now literally four, maybe five, ways to lessen the effects of bad movies. Okay, six. To be absolutely sure, I had to willingly expose myself to AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS, a film known to cause cancer in rats, though, to be fair, the rats in question were morbidly obese and heavy smokers. Still, AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS is a film notable for featuring one of the most likable casts in recent memory playing some of the least likeable characters ever put on film. Julia Roberts plays Kiki, sister of Catherine Zeta-Jones' Gwen, self-absorbed movie star ex-wife of morbidly self-obsessed movie star Eddie, played by John Cusack, who was in BEING JOHN MALKOVICH with Cameron Diaz, who was in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY with Matt Dillon, co-star of WILD THINGS with Kevin Bacon, who once dated my aunt, Ethel. For some reason, Ethel cries whenever I bring this up.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: Science! As we all know, Science tells us that we should test a hypothesis with observation, followed by testing, predicting, more testing, and, I don't know, hard liquor. I skipped that day. In this spirit, I will attempt a number of techniques made possible by advances in home theater technology (DVDs, surround sound, laptops, pony kegs) to make the viewing of AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS more palatable, starting with...

Watching with the Alternate Language Track: As a concession to the massive Quebecois and Gallic market for all things Billy Crystal (they ate up CITY SLICKERS 2; downtown Montreal features a statue of Curly), the DVD of AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS features a French language track. The only word I know in French is "fromage," which means "cheese," or so I am told. It could mean "global thermonuclear war" for all I know. That said, there was, from what I could tell, absolutely no discussion of cheese or global thermonuclear war anywhere in this film. There were, however, a number of creative insults (the characters in AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS are almost constantly angry), including "Mr. Boy Teeth" and an open invitation to (I think) visit the "circus on my butt."

Sadly, these moments are few and far between. Watching this movie in a foreign language is only slightly less tolerable than watching it in my native tongue. The dialogue all sounds smarter than it really should, although when they get angry (which is most of the time) the characters all sound like goofy Vaudeville comics. This must be why no one bothers to negotiate with the French, they just invade.

From what I could gather without understanding the dialogue, the plot was a bizarre homosexual variation on BOB & TED & CAROL & ALICE.

Effect: Negligible. Bad dialogue and incomprehensible French are about equally annoying.

Watching at Double Speed: This was a real toss-up: Would the movie be half as painful or twice as annoying?

On the downside, at this speed, I could only catch about half the dialogue. On the plus side, I could only catch about half the dialogue. It did have the humorous effect of making the entire cast seem to be either calling an auction or whacked-out on speed, sometimes both. Also, all the music appears to have been performed on a Jack-in-the-Box.

Effect: The jokes were just as bad, but they were over much faster, which could only be a bonus. Still, I think we can agree any amount of dog-licking-Crystal's-nuts schtick is too much.

Watching in French at Double Speed: As one might expect, this is a bit like watching a French "After School Special" minus any sort of moral or cohesive plot. Or perhaps a better analogy would be an existential French kung fu movie about methamphetamine addicts.

Effect: Nothing makes any sense. After a while, reality itself begins to unravel and you doubt the existence of a loving God. Your place in the universe becomes unhinged, and you realize that the molecules in your body are only an electron away from suddenly repelling one another, leaving you hopelessly spread across the void for all eternity. That, and you could really use some nachos.

Watching Blindfolded: Ah, back to the good old days of radio, when a man had to rely on his imagination instead of being spoon-fed images by uncreative businessmen more concerned with drink cup tie-ins than producing art.

Effect: Radio sucks.

Watching Naked: I'm not sure how this is supposed to help my enjoyment of the film, but I didn't want to rule anything out. Maybe nudists know something I don't. I've never known an actual nudist, but I have to assume that they do watch movies now and then, and probably watch the same movies us "clothies" do. Perhaps nudity allows one to focus less on one's own ego and let go of body issues, therefore freeing one's self from judging the cast largely on physical appearances and instead focusing on deeper character issues.

Effect: All of that may be true, it's hard to say. Perhaps I just wasn't uninhibited enough. Or perhaps I shouldn't have tried this at the airport.

Watching in French at Double Speed While Upside-Down in a Tank of Water Filled with Live Eels: You know what, Science? You can just go to hell.

Effect: Inconclusive.

Next week: Watching FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY on fire. Plus: Why Ethel cries during POINT BREAK.

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