THE TIME MACHINE, by H. G. Wells, an author, is about a machine. But not just any machine, no. No, no, a thousand times no. No! Why would you even think such a thing? The machine of the title is a TIME machine, meaning a machine that can travel through time. And what is time? To many, time is merely an abstract concept. To others, a dimension. To still others, a weekly magazine. Who is right? No one can say.

So what happens in Mr. Wells' "Time Machine"? A man, or possibly two (it's hard to say), use the machine of the title, a TIME machine lest we forget, to travel backwards and/or forwards in time. Many complicated things happen as a result. Very complicated things, too complex to get into in 800 words. Even 900 words would be a stretch. To best understand Wells' book, it is necessary to look at the 2002 film based on it, which is directed by none other than Simon Wells, who may or may not be related to H. G. Unless one or the other is using a pseudonym, which only they know for sure. It could be an elaborate ruse. Whatever the relationship between the two men, the film concerns one Alexander Hartdegen, played by Guy Pearce, who is a professor of science, or perhaps a scientist who teaches. We know this because he is always shown writing complex equations on a blackboard in a classroom, although there never seem to be students around. Perhaps he is like Matt Damon's character in GOOD WILL HUNTING -- just doing math problems for fun between sweeping up and scraping up gum.

Alexander is in love with a very beautiful girl, and one day they are interrupted by a mugger while he is asking the girl to marry him. Alexander, that is, not the mugger. It would be very strange for Alexander to ask his girlfriend to marry a mugger! What kind of pervert would do that? Certainly not the hero of our movie, who, as mentioned previously, is played by actor Guy Pearce, who is not related to H. G. Wells. Or is he?

Perhaps upset about not getting to marry the beautiful girl, the mugger shoots her, and she dies in her love's arms. Naturally, he (again, Alexander, not the mugger) does what any man would do in his position. (No, not dressing up like a bat and menacing criminals by night.) Alexander invents a time machine from spare parts from around the lab, and goes back in time to save his dead girlfriend. Dead girlfriend now alive, the movie ends. Hooray! Okay, not really. In fact, as he's buying flowers for his newly no-longer-dead lady, she is hit by a 19th century bus. Apparently the past really has it out for her.

Distraught, and perhaps fearing additional bus accidents if he goes back any more times, Alexander instead goes into the very distant future, where presumably buses have been outlawed. He arrives in the 8,000th century, where meets a mocha-hottie named Mara, who conveniently speaks English and has no boyfriend.

Unfortunately, Mara's friends and relatives are the part of the nutritional balanced breakfast of the Morlocks, who are apparently the result of centuries of breeding between 70s rock legend Gregg Allman and a warthog. The Allmans kidnap the mocha-hottie, forcing Guy to rescue yet another girlfriend, only this time, fearing another bus accident, he opts not to use the time machine and instead enlists the aid of a librarian and a small boy. The three of them locate finds the Allmans' lair, and Guy confronts their leader, 70s rock legend Edgar Winter, as played by actor Jeremy Irons, best known for having been respectable many, many, many, many, many, many years ago.

Anyway, Edgar explains that the Allmans need women, but Alexander wants his mocha-hottie, so they fight. Even though he was previously unable to repel a syphilitic mugger, Alexander manages to beat up Edgar like he's, well, a 50-something English thespian. The end.

What was Wells trying to say here? Was it perhaps a condemnation of playing God with science? Or a denunciation of class warfare? A warning about the evils of 70s rock icons? As convincing as that concept may be, I don't think so. I think that H. G. was trying to say that, if your husband/fiancé/boyfriend is involved with/obsessed with/working on time travel, take out extra life insurance. Nothing good can come of it. SOMEWHERE IN TIME: Girlfriend dies alone of old age. THE TIME MACHINE: Shot, then run over. TIMECOP: Killed and married to Jean-Claude Van Damme. Why, Marty McFly went back in time and his girlfriend was mysteriously replaced by a completely different woman.

In conclusion, H. G. Wells' "The Time Machine" was a book, and also a movie.

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