Signed,
Confused

Well, that is a pickle, Confused. Fortunately, I'm here to help. And also to hit on your sister. Okay, mostly for that, but I'll be glad to help you if it will make me look good in front of her.

You might be surprised to learn that you are not alone in your problem. In fact, many people believe that the primary reason VIEW did so poorly at the box office was due to the high rate of walkouts by people who believed that they had mistakenly stepped into FIGHT CLUB by mistake. Well, that and the fact that VIEW is fiercely, ambitiously awful. But consider this:

FIGHT CLUB: The tale of one ambitious man's quest to escape from a depersonalized, materialistic society by beating the living hell out of his fellow man.

VIEW FROM THE TOP: The tale of one ambitious airhead's quest to become a stewardess by going to a wacky flight attendant school.

Frankly, I'm surprised that David Fincher didn't sue.

The similarities don't end there, though. It's almost like they used FIGHT CLUB's script and just changed the names:

FC: Ed Norton's character receives insight about the harsh realities of modern life from Tyler Durden, who tells him that their generation has "no purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't."

VFTT: Gwyneth Paltrow receives wisdom from Sally Weston, "the world's most famous flight attendant," who tells her to "always keep smiling, even when we are out of bloody mary mix."

FC: Ed Norton has a brutal fight where he disfigures a young protégé Angel Face, played by Jared Leto, after beating him to a bloody pulp with his fists.

VFTT: Gwyneth and her traitorous best friend Christine, played by Christina Applegate, have a comical fight with a loaf of bread onboard an airplane.

FC: Bob has bitch-tits.

VFTT: Mike Myers has a lazy eye.

FC: Ed Norton's character has an alter ego, a sort of unleashed id... a dark reflection of his inner self.

VFTT: Gwyneth has a totally cute boyfriend.

FC: Tyler Durden starts Project Mayhem, an increasingly bold scheme to undermine the corporate status quo through vandalism, arson, and, finally, a carefully coordinated bombing campaign.

VFTT: Christine switches Gwyneth's test and hers so that she can get on the coveted New York to Paris flight.

FC: The first rule of Fight Club is... you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is... you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Third rule of Fight Club, someone yells "Stop," goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.

VFTT: Upon encountering a "DP" or "disgruntled passenger," a) listen, 2) acknowledge, and c) explain.

That should about do it. Keep this handy list with you should you encounter a film and find yourself unable to determine whether it's a witty satire of modern life or a pointless romantic comedy that is neither particularly romantic nor comedic. A quick tip, however, if you find yourself in a bind, if the film features sweaty, half-naked men beating the living hell out of one another, it's FIGHT CLUB. If you find yourself wishing someone would beat the living hell out of you, it's VIEW FROM THE TOP.

But don't be too hard on yourself, Confused. First of all, your sister is totally hot, and that will get you a long way in life. Regardless, a crippling inability to distinguish gritty, biting drama from idiotic pap is, in fact, a distinguishing characteristic of being an American. Assuming that you are American, of course. If you're not, then it just makes you another moron, and I wouldn't sweat it. Ignorance is bliss. In which case I've just made you miserable. You're welcome!

Now buzz off, kid. Three's a crowd.

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