Are you being chased by a brutal killer seeking revenge for being framed by your father? Are drug dealers after the loot that they buried in your back yard? Have bank robbers kidnapped your daughter, and will only return her if you uncover the location of a mysterious ruby? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be in an action-suspense film, and we can help. We're Consolidated Plot Contrivance, and we have been saving people like you from generic, scenery-chewing bad guys for more than 50 years. Hello, I'm Merv Johnson, president and founder of CPC. You may have seen our work in CELLULAR, RANSOM, and just about every movie Ashley Judd has made since 1997.

Just what exactly does CPC do? I'm glad you asked. Consolidated Plot Contrivance, Inc., represents an amalgamation of services that makes escaping from a killer convenient... but not too convenient! After all, who wants to watch a movie where the good guys escape after just ten minutes and spend the next two hours having a nice picnic lunch? Not me! So we specialize in delivering "just in time" necessities, like our patented CPC Vehicle Service. These vehicles have been specially placed and preconfigured to have the keys already in the ignition or hidden in the visor. Our technicians engineer the ignition system to fail comically, only to be triggered when you collapse, sobbing, onto the wheel.

It sounds impossible, but I've seen it work hundreds of times! Isn't modern technology amazing? But what sets CPC Vehicles apart from the competition is the extras. With every vehicle we place, we throw in a complementary sad-sack fellow to shout impotently at you as you drive, fly, or boat away. You never know just what he's going to say. Will it be:

• Hey!
• My car/ plane/boat!
• Get back here!
• I just made the last payment!

There's more. We also supply weapons! These miraculous guns are packed with more ammunition than you'd think was physically possible! There is a small downside, however, and that is a nasty tendency to jam or dry fire when you're face to face with your bloodthirsty nemesis. Our engineers are working day and night on the problem, but don't fret, the bad guy's gun will misfire too, or your money and/or stash of stolen diamonds back! Unless you're dead, but that almost never happens. Ha ha.

Our services extend well beyond conveniently placed items: We are heavily involved with the law enforcement community, ensuring that they are aware of the latest in on-the-spot determination of guilt. Because there's just no time to waste when you're trying to convince a trigger-happy cop of your innocence when you're pointing a gun at a crazed psychopath. And we also have a strong presence in Washington, lobbying for things like air ventilation regulation that would require all vents to be of crawlable height and free of large, dangerous fans that could cause injury or mutilation.

But don't take our word for it. Listen to one of our satisfied clients, screen legend Michael Douglas.

When madmen kidnapped my daughter during DON'T SAY A WORD and I had to get important information out of a mentally ill young woman to save her, I knew I could count on CPC to supply the best. CPC got me one of the most conveniently crazy women I could have hoped for. She was just loopy enough to be interesting, just damaged enough to be dramatic, but not truly dangerous. She served the plot perfectly, revealing the information I needed to get my daughter back and look heroic in record time. Thanks, CPC!

And, folks, this guy knows what he's talking about: He's made hundreds of movies.

More like dozens.

Be honest, Mike: hundreds.

Dozens, Merv.

And he's boning Catherine Zeta-Jones!

Hey!

Ha ha. But don't take the word of a decrepit old hornbag--

HEY!

--try CPC for yourself. Consolidated Plot Contrivance: We make it easy for you, but not too easy.

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