This week, Steven Spielberg unleashes his Martian invasion movie on theaters across the world, but maybe you’re not in the mood to go out. Or maybe, in your own way, you just want to tell Tom Cruise to chill already. But you need a Mars fix, man, just to tide you over until your friend can score you a shaky WAR OF THE WORLDS bootleg off the Internet. We can help. Unfortunately, the Mars aisle at your local video store can be pretty confusing, so we’ve assembled this handy guide to help you pick the right Mars movie for a blissfully psychiatry-hating, Katie Holmes-dating nutjob-free evening.

MISSION TO MARS
Blatantly Rips Off: 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and CONTACT, itself a rip-off of 2001, making this film a sort of Mobius strip of theft.
From the Director of...: The first MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE. (Noooooo!)
Identifying Characteristic: Obvious product placement. Also, the only Mars movie to open with zydeco music.
Reason for Mars Trip: The hell of it. (AKA The Bush Doctrine.)
Big Mystery: The first bunch of astronauts we sent to Mars died horribly. Quick, send another shipload!
How Long a Mission to Mars Really Takes: Nine months, give or take.
How Long It Takes the First Crew: Six months.
And the Second? About two minutes, apparently.
What They Find There: A giant killer mountain. Just like NASA always predicted.
Tone: Preachy, and oddly horror-movieish.
Soundtrack: Organ-y.
Goofiest Nickname: "Woody"
Strange Casting Choice for "The Smart One": Jerry O'Connell.
Exposition Level (Scale of 1-10): 11.
Exposition Delivery Method(s): Opening party dialogue, and pretty much any time anyone opens their mouth for the rest of the movie.
Ship Resembles: John Holmes.
Ship's Computer Voice Sounds Like: Bad cell phone reception.
Ship Wrecked By: "Micrometeoroids." Yeah, sure.
Who Goes Crazy? Don Cheadle, who goes months without a shave or a haircut and winds up looking exactly like Uncle Remus.
Sound in Space? Yep. (Damn you, Lucas!)
Flag-Raising Scene: Check.
Distinguished Actor Who Bites It: Tim Robbins, who offs himself rather than let his wife try to save him.
Worst Script Choice: Kill the Oscar winner, but keep the star of CROSSING JORDAN.
Worst Death: Simultaneously asphyxiating and freezing/Taking a boulder to the face. (Tie)
2001 "Homage": Wall-to-wall, but especially the giant white room at the end.
Quotes on Box: "Thrilling!" (Paul Wonder, WBAI Radio) "Exhilarating!" (Bill Wine, Fox TV.)
Quotes Accurate? Not unless Paul and Bill were being ironic.
Big Surprise: Right before the aliens take you to their homeworld, they will show you a highlight reel from the last two hours.
Glaring Scientific Error: DNA doesn’t have chromosomes, Einstein.
Box Office Result: Less than 2/3s the budget. On the plus side, cost considerably less than a real Mars mission.
Ending is...: Predictable.
Moral: Husband and wife astronaut teams are a really, really dumb idea.

RED PLANET
Blatantly Rips Off: THIS ISLAND EARTH, SILENT RUNNING, and, yep, 2001.
From the Director of...: Nothing before or since. (Hmm...)
And the Writer of...: NAVY SEALS and BARB WIRE. Uh oh.
Identifying Characteristic: Val Kilmer, looking (and sounding) bored.
Reason for Mars Trip: The earth is too polluted and uninhabitable, so we’re packing up and taking the kids to Mars. (AKA The Other Bush Doctrine.)
Big Mystery: Where'd all the algae go? Thus putting RED PLANET into the pantheon of other great "mold whodunit movies" like... Um...
How Long Their Trip Takes: Just long enough to brew moonshine.
What They Find There: Love. And cockroaches. Mostly cockroaches.
Tone: Preachy, and oddly horror-movieish.
Soundtrack: Ham-fisted. "When the World is Running Down" by the Police. Just a bit on the nose, isn’t it?
Goofiest Nickname: Val Kilmer is... "The Space Janitor." No, really.
Strange Casting Choice for "The Smart One": Tom "Whizzinator" Sizemore as one of the world’s leading bio-geneticists. Sure.
Exposition Level (Scale of 1-10): 7.
Exposition Delivery Method(s): Long, tedious voiceovers about escaping from environmental disasters spoken with all the seriousness of a disinterested, underslept CNN anchor.
Ship Resembles: A wagon axle.
Ship's Computer Voice Sounds Like: The computer that Stephen Hawking's computer would date.
Ship Wrecked By: Gamma radiation storm, which, sadly, doesn't cause anyone to turn into an enraged, green-skinned Lou Ferrigno.
Who Goes Crazy? Not Sizemore, surprisingly.
Sound in Space? Yes. Again.
Distinguished Actor Who Bites It: Terence Stamp, who doesn’t even make it past the landing. Why NASA would choose to send a senior citizen whose only function appears to be Philosophy Consultant on a vital mission to save the planet is beyond me.
Flag-Raising Scene: No, mercifully.
Worst Script Choice: Making General Zod into a total puss.
Worst Death: Hacked to bits by a killer robot, then eaten by space bugs and turned into a Roman candle.
And They Brought the Killer Robot Along Because…? Er... To keep the geezer philosopher company?
2001 "Homage"/Theft: Carrie-Anne Moss’s character is named Bowman.
Quotes on Box: "The best sci-fi thriller since THE MATRIX." (Omar Linares, Fox TV -- man, those Fox critics are total quote whores...)
Quotes Accurate? Hahahahahahahahaha...
Bet You Didn’t Know: Just about any robot will go into kill mode when jostled slightly.
Glaring Scientific Error: World-renowned geneticist Sizemore gets just about everything wrong, including basic genetics facts.
Box Office Result: Slightly more than MISSION, proving once and for all that audiences always prefer a good killer robot to Gary Sinise.
Ending is...: Unbelievable, improbable, and mushy. On the upside, the human race is saved! Downside: It will be populated entirely by little space janitors.
Moral: When saving the world, why bother with planning and logic when dumb luck will do?

JOHN CARPENTER’S GHOSTS OF MARS
Blatantly Rips Off: RIO BRAVO, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, PITCH BLACK, and ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (non-Ethan Hawke version).
Is it as Good as Any of Those? Good lord, no. Not even PITCH BLACK, which was awful.
From the Director of...: Lots of other movies with "John Carpenter's" in front of them.
Identifying Characteristic: Pervasive stupidity.
Reason for Mars Trip: To kill 90 minutes.
Big Mystery: Why did all the natives turn into crazed homicidal maniacs? And how did Pam Grier go from JACKIE BROWN to this?
How Long Their Trip Takes: They're already there, actually.
What They Find: Goth zombies and cheap scares.
Tone: Jean-Claude Van Damme-y.
Soundtrack: So packed to the brim with '80s metal guitar shredders, you’ll have a headache in no time.
Goofiest Nickname: Ice Cube plays notorious escaped killer James "Desolation" Williams. Just what kind of nickname is "Desolation" anyway? "Hey, Desolation, you want one of these ice cream sandwiches?" I just don’t see it.
Strange Casting Choice for "The Smart One": The chick from SPECIES.
Exposition Level (Scale of 1-10): 3.
Exposition Delivery Method(s): Joanna Cassidy, playing the miner who accidentally unleashed a rogue point-of-view shot that turns people into Marilyn Manson video extras.
Ship Resembles: A toy train.
Ship Wrecked By: Overzealous special effects crew.
Who Goes Crazy? Who doesn't?
Sound in Space? Well, technically they are never go into space, but it’s a safe bet that if they did there would be at least loud, distorted guitars there.
Distinguished Actor Who Bites It: Pam Grier.
Flag-Raising Scene: No, but they do put Ms. Grier’s head on a pike.
Worst Script Choice: Writing it.
Worst Death: The one suffered by your brain cells.
2001 "Homage"/Theft: The scene where Heywood Floyd guns down hundreds of aliens with a submachine gun.
Quote on Box: "Two thumbs up." (Ebert and Roeper)
Quote Accurate? Yes, although it was actually spoken by Doug Ebert and Earl Roeper of El Paso, Texas.
Bet You Didn’t Know: Once upon a time, John Carpenter used to make good movies.
Glaring Scientific Error: Mars is not, in fact, populated by homicidal music video extras.
Box Office Result: About $172.45, which is $171.46 too much.
Ending is...: Stupid. Incredibly stupid. But why should it be any different than the movie that precedes it?
Moral: A nickname isn't a nickname if it's longer than your real one.

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR | ARCHIVES