Dear Movie Guy Who Knows Things About Movies,

Where do I start? Some time ago, I saw a movie that moved me. It was like the director had taken a magnifying glass and focused the light of Pure Truth and Beauty on us, the audience, like we were ants. Tiny, little, stupid, insignificant, greedy, having-segmented-bodies, common-in-hot-climates, unable-to-wear-neckties ants. When I left that theater, I was a charred husk of man-ant, giving off the putrid Stench of Insight. For days, I tried to describe how I felt to my coworkers, but they kept telling me I was making them ill, and could they please eat lunch for once without hearing about scorched insects?

But all I was trying to say was how amazing the film was: the way that it so perfectly portrays the tedium of the modern romance, how brilliantly it illustrated the love-hate dynamic inherent in the father-daughter relationship, and how deftly it deconstructed the archetype of the outsider. But then, my friend Bill, who has a strong stomach, mostly because he used to work in a sausage factory, heard me out and said that, himself, he "liked the cat that goes in the toilet."

And that’s when it hit me: People think MEET THE PARENTS was a comedy! Can you believe that? MTP is the least funny film ever made. It makes THE GRAPES OF WRATH look like a zany spring break farce. I laughed more during THE HOURS, but then, that mostly had to do with Nicole Kidman trying not to come off like Gonzo the Muppet with that schnozz.

Anyway, my question is, how do you best prevent carbon build-up on your engine intake manifold?

Signed,
Cheesed in Wisconsin

Dear Cheesed,
Good question. Have you tried cleaning the manifold with a soft cloth periodically? Really get in there. Use your whole arm if you have to. Then, when you're reaching so far that you've got your face pressed against the air filter, release the arm holding the hood up and let it slam down on your head. Do this six or seven times. It won't do anything for your manifold, but it will help to ease the pain of living in a world where people who are no longer in third grade think the name "Gaylord Focker" is pants-wetting hilarious.

Dear Movie Guy Who Knows Things About Movies,
My mechanic told me that MEET THE PARENTS is actually an allegory: Ben Stiller is Jesus, his girlfriend is Mary Magdalene, Robert De Niro is Pontius Pilate, and the cat symbolizes Satan himself. Satan leads Ben Stiller into the desert by escaping from the house (Jerusalem) while Ben/Jesus is busy talking on the phone (with God). The cat then tempts Ben on the roof with cigarettes. Then Jesus accidentally sets Jerusalem on fire and Satan runs away. If this is true, then who is Stiller's girlfriend's sister supposed to be?

Thanks,
Billy

Billy,
I hope he's a better mechanic than film critic. According to the screenwriter, MEET THE PARENTS is, in fact, a metaphor for the Cold War between the Russians and the United States. Stiller, with his dark, Eastern European features, is meant to symbolize the late-era Soviets, while De Niro symbolizes Reagan's hard-line stance against any sort of negotiation or capitulation to the Reds. Which explains De Niro's character's obsessions with surveillance equipment and his creepy relationship with his daughter, who symbolizes either West Berlin or Yakov Smirnoff. The cat symbolizes Afghanistan, which shows its rejection of the colonial imperialism of De Niro's mother (England) by pooping on it.

Ben Stiller's girlfriend's sister, then, symbolizes capitalism itself, which gets bashed in the face by Stiller's volleyball spike (the SALT I nuclear weapons treaty). I think. She might be Cuba.

Doesn't make the movie any funnier either way, though.

Dear Movie Guy Who Knows Things About Movies,
I have a late-90s Isuzu Trooper V6 with slightly more than 100,000 miles, and it keeps stalling. The problem first surfaced when I was stopping at lights after using the cruise control on long trips. Lately, it seems to be happening even on short trips of five miles or less. I have checked all the valves and hoses. My mechanic says that it's the IAC valve. I’m not sure, so I would like to know precisely how unfunny MEET THE PARENTS really is.

Sincerely,
Stalled

Dear Stalled,
As of yet, we don't yet have a method for measuring just how unfunny MTP really is. Originally, it was proposed that the unfunniness scale be measured in "Stallones," a tribute to the star of such "comedies" as TANGO AND CASH and STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT, where the complete absence of humor known as "Absolute RHINESTONE." Another contingent, however, held that Stallone was occasionally funny unintentionally, and that WILD, WILD WEST is, in fact, a much better barometer for what life is like in a humor vacuum. The first group retorted that WEST is unacceptable because it holds a certain amount of kitsch value, and the second group was totally gay. The second group then made some completely inappropriate comments about the first group's mothers and a Clydedale named Stefan, at which point the first group pulled a knife. And that's where babies come from.

As for where MEET THE PARENTS came from, you’re on your own to figure that out.

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