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THE BOTTOM OF THINGS
By Michael Sampson
August 13, 2003
I’m not going out on a limb when I say this summer’s crop of movies has been about as successful as C. Thomas Howell’s post-SIDE OUT career. It’s been the subject of newspaper articles, magazine cover stories and numerous editorial pieces by half-assed journalists and industry prognosticators all the way from Timbuk 2 to Portland, Oregon (or Portland, Maine for that matter). I mean, if I have to read one more article about GIGLI and how bad it sucked and what it might mean for the future of Ben and Jen and their relationship and their careers and how it may affect JERSEY GIRL and on and on…I’m gonna go Bobby Knight on my computer. So in the interests of preserving my own sanity, I’ve decided to take a look into the future. The future, Conan? That’s right the future. All the way to the latter part of…the year 2003.
The summer sucked so bad they say, and there’s only room for improvement, right? There’s still about four months left in the year and the last two months of the year are often reserved for the best of the best. That’s when the studios trot out the Optimus Prime in their collection of upcoming movies. (Speaking of which, has anyone seen the new vintage Transformers figures Hasbro is releasing! They’re damn expensive but it was so sweet to see them back on the shelves instead of that Armada crap. So if anyone from Hasbro reads this site, feel free to send along any complimentary Generation One Transformers to Mike Sampson c/o MoviePoopShoot.com.) So this should be the time when studios can make us forget the disappointing summer and reaffirm our faith in movies. Let’s take a look at what to expect the next four months:
SEPTEMBER 5, 2003
DICKIE ROBERTS: FORMER CHILD STAR - David Spade is seriously a funny guy. Who else would do pedophile material at the Teen Choice Awards? But these movies…ugh. He must have pictures of Sandler sodomizing Mother Theresa to keep getting these films bankrolled. The former Mrs. Farley now stars as - natch - a former child star who hires a family to provide him the childhood he never had.
THE ORDER - Back when Heath Ledger was a star, he signed on to this supernatural thriller (formerly known as THE SIN EATER) from director Brian Helgeland. The pair are reteaming after not having success whatsoever with A KNIGHT’S TALE. Joining them are Shannyn Sossamon, also of KNIGHT’S TALE and Mark Addy…of KNIGHT’S TALE. Also joining them this time around will be crappy reviews.
SEPTEMBER 12, 2003
CABIN FEVER - Eli Roth is not your old Jewish uncle who plays chess in the park and wears sandals with socks. He’s the young director behind this flick about a bunch of teens afflicted with the deadly flesh-eating virus. The film has played well on the festival circuit and Lions Gate will release slowly building to a pre-Halloween crescendo.
COLD CREEK MANOR - No one was stupid enough to co-star alongside Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT 2, so she instead decided to work with Dennis Quaid in this thriller from director Mike Figgis (LEAVING LAS VEGAS). Stephen “Not on Golf” Dorff co-stars as a recent parolee looking to reclaim the titular manor, for he is the former owner.
MATCHSTICK MEN - Not a biopic of psychedelic rockers Status Quo, but a film about con artists Nic Cage and Sam Rockwell from Ridley Scott. The book is based on the novel by Eric Garcia sold the rights to the book before it was even published. Talk about a con artist…
ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO - The good news? An R-rating. The bad news? It’s not for any Salma Hayek nudity, so you’re just going to have to go back and freeze-frame your FRIDA DVD again. Johnny Depp, Willem Dafoe and Mickey Rourke join Hayek and Antonio Banderas in the third and final installment in the Mariachi trilogy (EL MARIACHI and DESPERADO being the previous two). This is the second “third and final installment” film for writer/director Robert Rodriguez whose SPY KIDS 3D opened this July.
SEPTEMBER 19, 2003
ANYTHING ELSE - Despite what DreamWorks would have you believe, this IS a Woody Allen movie. Jason Biggs sticks his ween in something moist and doughy and it’s not a pie, it’s Christina Ricci. Jimmy Fallon co-stars as a guy who’s really not funny but all the girls like him and laugh at his jokes and bad song parodies cause he’s cute. Hey…
THE FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS - Cuba Gooding, Jr. continues his post-Oscar slide with this tomfoolery. Here Cuba is not aboard a gay cruise but is the inheritor to a fortune left in a will by his aunt. But Hollywood’s wills always have stipulations and this one states poor Cuba has to start up a gospel group and lead them to success. Jay-Z’s arm candy Beyonce-Z co-stars as Cuba’s songstress.
UNDERWORLD - Cutey Kate Beckinsale leads a pack of vampires against their bitter enemies, the werewolves. Only problem is she falls for the dreamy Scott Speedman, who's a teen wolf too. Think “Romeo and Juliet” meets VAN HELSING with MATRIX special effects. Beckinsale loved working with director Len Wiseman so much she decided to marry him.
DEMONLOVER - Connie Neilsen. Gina Gershon. Chloe Sevigny. In a film about animated and virtual-reality porn. The former and the latter get naked. End of story.
LOST IN TRANSLATION - This film is the sophomore effort from director Sofia Coppola who last directed the beautiful VIRGIN SUICIDES. Only problem was that film was beautiful because of a one Kirsten Dunst, who does not star in this film. Bill Murray and Scarlett Johanssen do star as a couple who strike up an odd friendship while doing business in Tokyo.
SEPTEMBER 26, 2003
THE RUNDOWN - Formerly HELLDORADO and WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, this film stars The Rock and Seann William Scott as a couple of dudes out to give the evil Christopher Walken the old dipsy-doodle as they search for buried treasure in the Amazon. They’re joined by the voluptuous Rosario Dawson and gubernatorial candidate Ahnuld, who makes a cameo. I must note before I leave that this film was once set up as a B-movie with Patrick Swayze starring and strangely that version seems a lot more appealing.
THE HUMAN STAIN - Anthony Hopkins plays a black guy in this film based on the novel by Philip Roth. Don’t think Hopkins in black face like C. Thomas Howell in SOUL MAN (Wow! Two C. Thomas Howell references in one column! I swear I didn’t plan this. It must be some kind of record…), ‘cause this is a film of the classy Miramax variety. If Hopkins trying to pass himself off as a black man doesn’t sound believable, wait till you hear this: Nicole Kidman is his love interest…
WONDERLAND - Did you know Kate Bosworth has two different color eyes? The things you can learn flipping through the pages of Entertainment Weekly. Here Bosworth and an all-star cast that includes Val Kilmer, Lisa Kudrow, Christina Applegate, Dylan McDermott and Josh Lucas replay the events of the Wonderland Murders and specifically the involvement of porn legend John Holmes (Kilmer).
OCTOBER 3, 2003
DUPLEX - Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore conspire to kill an old woman that unfortunately is not played by the late Anne Ramsey. Danny DeVito, no stranger to old woman killing comedies, directs from a script by John Hamburg (MEET THE PARENTS). “He's trying to kill me! I asked for the salted nuts. He brought me the unsalted nuts. The unsalted nuts make me choke!”
OUT OF TIME - Denzel Washington wins an Oscar then signs on to a film with Dean Cain. Something ain’t right and no, it’s not the strobe light. Here Denzel stars as a cop trying to solve a murder where he’s the, say it with me now, prime suspect. While the aforementioned “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” host is involved, so is Denzel’s TRANING DAY co-star Eva Mendes. Whether she will lie in bed naked with Denny again remains to be seen.
THE SCHOOL OF ROCK - I’m the only one it seems who doesn’t get Jack Black. Not Tenacious D, not HIGH FIDELITY, not ORANGE COUNTY and certainly not SAVING SILVERMAN. That don’t make him bad people but he’s not my cup of tea. Well that’s why they made vanilla and chocolate I suppose. Black lovers can get a healthy dose of scenery chewing with his latest effort from Richard Linklater (DAZED AND CONFUSED) about a wanna-be rockstar taking over a prep school music class.
OCTOBER 8, 2003
MYSTIC RIVER - Clint Eastwood is back and luckily for his female stars, he’s back behind the camera and not in front with gratuitous make out scenes. Ol’ Squinty Eyes directs Sean Penn, Tim Robbins and Kevin Bacon narrowing his degrees of separation even tighter.
OCTOBER 10, 2003
INTOLERABLE CRUELTY - The insanely beautiful couple of George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones join forces with the insanely creative couple of Joel and Ethan Coen. Billy Bob Thornton and that rich guy from OVERBOARD join them in the tale of a ruthless divorce lawyer who meets his match in a ruthless golddigger.
KILL BILL VOLUME 1 - I don’t think I need to do much talking about this film. You know what it is and you want to see it. I can add nothing other than a little quip. The only concern is whether VOLUME 1 or 2 is more fun.
OCTOBER 17, 2003
RUNAWAY JURY - Much is being made of this being the first on-screen pairing of Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman. Considering Dustin Hoffman just did a movie with Ed Burns and Gene Hackman is doing Lowe’s commercials, I’m not too impressed. This film has been around the block with everyone from Will Smith to Ed Norton starring. Now John Cusack is in the lead as John Grisham’s thriller makes it to the big screen.
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE - This film was originally considered to be dead-on-arrival since Michael Bay was producing, but then the trailer came along and guess what? It was actually really good. So now you gots to check it out. Hell, come for Leatherface, stay for Jessica Biel’s heaving, sweaty, ample bosom.
VERONICA GUERIN - Jerry Bruckheimer just isn’t happy making gobs and gobs of money of movies like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN and BAD BOYS 2. He's got to go back to that Oscar bait. This time he brings us the true life tale of the title character, played by Cate Blanchett, a Irish reporter gunned down for herexpose on Dublin's crime syndicate...with lots of fast car chases, explosions and a rockin' soundtrack. Maybe not those last parts, but don't think Jerry B. didn't think about it.
PIECES OF APRIL - Katie Holmes, again, does not get naked for this indie drama about a young woman who invites her family over to her NYC apartment for Thanksgiving dinner. As it always does in these type of productions, comedy, then heartfelt drama ensues.
SHATTERED GLASS - Wonder what Hayden Christensen's acting skills are like when he isn't talking m'lady to Nat Portman? How 'bout this Tom Cruise produced drama about a writer for New Republic magazine who fabricated the vast majority of his articles. Jayson Blair calls it, "the feel good movie of the year!"
SYLVIA - I can't imagine a story quite as boring as a biopic of author Sylvia Plath. Oh wait, yes I can - "The Bell Jar." Gwyneth Paltrow stars as Plath with Daniel Craig (don't ask me, I've never heard of him) as fellow poet Ted Hughes. The mopey Sylvia committed suicide sticking her head in an oven. The filmmakers will not be held responsible if SYLVIA makes you want to do the same.
OCTOBER 24, 2003
BEYOND BORDERS - Angelina Jolie and that guy from those BMW short films (Clive Owen) frolic in war torn Africa and amid all the disease, famine and violence, fall madly in love. A quick search of IMDB turns up a co-star named Yorick van Wageningen. I think that was the name I used on my fake ID in high school. Yah, I’m Yorick and I vant ta buy sahm of ze vahdka.
GOTHIKA - Halle Berry is a prominent and successful woman who goes crazy, hurts some people and can't remember what happened. But enough about her personal life. In GOTHIKA - from the same people who brought you the groaners GHOST SHIP and THIRTEEN GHOSTS - Berry wakes up committed to the mental institution she once worked for, unsure of how she got there and unable to convince her former colleagues she's really a-OK. Penelope Cruz and Robert Downey, Jr. co-star and surprisingly Downey isn't a fellow inmate.
IN THE CUT - Meg Ryan and erotic thriller aren't words I ever thought I'd utter in the same sentence. Yet here we are. While it might sound - and feel - a little like your mom making out with some guy, Ryan desperately needed a departure from her standard fare. Mark Ruffalo plays tonsil hockey with Ms. Ryan while Kevin Bacon hopefully keeps his pants on.
SCARY MOVIE 3 - Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I laughed at the SCARY MOVIE 3 trailer. Now I will go say twelve “Hail Marys” to cleanse my soul. Ja Rule hasn’t been this funny since HALF PAST DEAD with Steven Seagal.
OCTOBER 31, 2003
ALIEN - Just in time for Halloween, comes the film that made Tom Skeritt a household name; the original ALIEN. Fox is releasing a remastered director's cut from Ridley Scott that will feature footage never-before-seen in theaters..
NOVEMBER 5, 2003
THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - Producer Joel Silver, looking to squash the bad buzz of RELOADED, said the naysayers would get their comeuppance once REVOLUTIONS was released. When asked about his comments that RELOADED would not just raise the bar but "obliterate" it, he replied, "Did I saw RELOADED? I meant REVOLUTIONS...yeah, REVOLUTIONS...that's the ticket." Could make sense out of nonsense or could be the most disappointing sci-fi finale since the "X-Files."
NOVEMBER 7, 2003
ELF - Will Ferrell goes from KY wrestling in OLD SCHOOL to this sweetheart family comedy about the joys of Christmas. Doe-eyed Zooey Deschanel and crazy-eyed James Caan star as Ferrell's love interest and long lost father, respectively.
NOVEMBER 14, 2003
HONEY - Former “Dark Angel” star Jessica Alba plays a down-on-her-luck dancer/choreographer who finally gets her big break. If it all sounds a little FLASHDANCE-y, it should. Honey actually even wears a Jennifer Beals sweatshirt with the one side drooping down off the shoulder. No really. Big Romeo’s young brother Li’l Romeo co-stars along with 8 MILE’s Mekhi Phifer.
LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION - Lucky for us, the modern-day Looney Tunes were out of action after SPACE JAM. This movie however looks to change all that with another live-action/animated feature. Here, Daffy is the star of the show as he and Brendan Fraser search for a legendary Blue Diamond. Somehow Steve Martin was suckered into joining this mess.
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD - Capt. Jack Aubrey (Russell Crowe) is the master and the commander of this ship. In fact, he's the master baiter. Get it? Wokkawokkawokka. Crowe and his seamen (settle down class) row, row, row their boat all over some French ass. Oscar mugging ensues.
21 GRAMS - Not the amount of Nick Nolte's nightly dose of horse tranquilizer but the follow-up film from director Alejandro González Iñárritu. (No, I did not spell that all by myself.) The uber-gorgeous Naomi Watts stars with Sean Penn and Benecio Del Toro in a film that follows a freak accident and the connecting effect it has on three individuals. The title refers to the weight the body loses when it dies. Crazy, spiritual types think this is the soul leaving the body. OoOOooOOoh...
NOVEMBER 21, 2003
DR. SEUSS' THE CAT IN THE HAT - If the Whos in THE GRINCH didn’t give your kid nightmares, try another go at it with this Suess adaptation. Mike Myers plays the cat bastard with former production designer Bo Welch (BEETLEJUICE) making his directorial debut. GRINCH FX wizard Rick Baker dropped out due to creative differences with Myers leaving many to speculate that the film could suck balls.
RADIO - Here’s Cuba Gooding, Jr. trying to make nice again after BOAT TRIP and RAT RACE playing a retarded guy who’s taken under the wing of football coach Ed Harris who lets him help out with the team. Kind of like THE WATERBOY but the guy is even more retarded than Adam Sandler, if that's possible. Cuba’s performance could be GILBERT GRAPE or THE OTHER SISTER.
THE COOLER - Ever wanted to see William H. Macy's penis? Me neither. I'd say skip this baby then. It's unfortunate cause it has a neat concept. A perpetually unlucky man is hired by casinos to jinx the high-rollers until he meets "lady luck," a cocktail waitress that suddenly turns him one lucky duck.
NOVEMBER 26, 2003
BAD SANTA - Terry Zwigoff follows GHOST WORLD with this black comedy about a department store Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) who, along with his elf (Mr. Parker from FRIDAY), rob the malls they appear at. Santa’s taught a lesson about the true meaning of Christmas by a lonely 8-year-old boy. John Ritter makes a triumphant PROBLEM CHILD-less return to cinema joining Bernie Mac as mall employees tracking Billy Bob down.
BIG FISH - Ewan McGregor plays a young Albert Finney - this is fiction remember - in this Tim Burton comedy/drama about a man reminiscing about his dying father’s tall tales. Steven Spielberg was once ready to direct but bowed out, paving the way for Burton. Producer Richard Zanuck recently said this was one of the best film’s he’s ever made, which includes JAWS and DRIVING MISS DAISY.
THE HAUNTED MANSION - Most of Eddie Murphy’s recent movies have been scary for all the wrong reasons. I mean, did you see SHOWTIME? Yikes. But here Eddie actually aims for scary, along with a few laughs of course. Like the highly successful PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, this film is based on the popular Disney attraction. Then again, THE COUNTRY BEARS was also based on a Disney attraction.
TIMELINE - Paul Walker goes back in time and unfortunately, doesn’t stay there. This adaptation of Michael Crichton’s novel has suffered from poor test screening reviews and may not amount to much.
DECEMBER 5, 2003
THE LAST SAMURAI - Tom Cruise plays a late-1800s US general that looks nothing like Ulysses S. Grant but more like a 21st century movie star with flowing hair and a dreamy smile. He’s sent to train the new royal army of Japan, effectively wiping out the last of the samurais. But once there he falls in love with the samurai lifestyle and switches teams. Lots of homoerotic swordplay ensues.
DECEMBER 10, 2003
THE MISSING - Tommy Lee Jones does a hard-target search of every warehouse, farmhouse, doghouse, outhouse and henhouse for his granddaughter in 1890s Mexico. Joining him in his search is daughter Cate Blanchett who's still pissed her ran off oh so many moons ago. Ron Howard bailed on THE ALAMO to direct this film.
DECEMBER 12, 2003
LOVE DON'T COST A THING - The word craptacular was coined with this movie in mind. Someone actually thought the Patrick Dempsey 80s comedy CAN’T BUY ME LOVE was so good it had to be remade. By the same studio (Warner Bros) that can’t get SUPERMAN off the ground. Nick “Elodeon” Cannon stars.
STUCK ON YOU - Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear are Siamese twins in this latest comedy from the Farrelly Bros. Cher and Meryl Streep make appearances but unfortunately they’re not joined at the hip. Now that’d be funny.
SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE - Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Keanu Reeves and Amanda Peet star in this romantic comedy for the old folks. Jack plays the December in a May-December romance with Peet his younger gal. Trouble is, he winds up falling in love with the girl's mother. So does Keanu Reeves. And Amanda Peet is left high and dry. Riiight.
DECEMBER 17, 2003
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING - Finally. The trilogy is over. The three of us who don’t like these films can finally show their face in public again.
DECEMBER 19, 2003
MONA LISA SMILE - Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles and Maggie Gyllenhaal are all private school girls. No this isn’t my perverted sex fantasy…OK, it is, but that’s another story - but you’re looking at the cast of this film, who are all students inspired by Julia Roberts, a progressive teacher at Wellesley U. in the 1950s. To borrow a line from David Spade, I liked this movie the first time...when it was called DEAD POET'S SOCIETY.
DECEMBER 25, 2003
THE ALAMO - Russell Crowe decided not to star and Ron Howard decided not to direct. But Disney went ahead with the film instead, with Dennis Quaid, Billy Bob Thornton and Jason Patric starring. Howard left due to a conflict over a budget and an R-rating. So now we get the cheap, wussy version.
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN - Holy crap! Ashton Kutcher’s actually an actor? Who knew. He stars in this remake with Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt, Hilary Duff and that guy from “Smallville.” Martin and Hunt have twelve kids and wackiness ensues. Dollars to doughnuts there’s at least one scene in a busy kitchen where kids are running past the parents so fast it spins them around like some bad orange juice commercial.
COLD MOUNTAIN - Cold as in, it’ll be a COLD day in hell before I sit through this movie. From the director of THE ENGLISH PATIENT, Jude Law stars as a Civil War soldier struggling to find his way home to love Nicole Kidman. Renee Zellweger, Natalie Portman, Philip Seymour Hoffman and the White Stripes’s Jack White all find their way in there somewhere. My dad - who eats this crap up with a big ass spoon - said the book was boring. This is the same man who watching the History Channel all…day…long. But damn those canny marketers at Miramax who plan to have the JERSEY GIRL trailer run before this film.
PAYCHECK - Ben Affleck got quite a hefty one to star in this film based on the short story by Philip K. Dick. John Woo and his flock of flying doves are back behind the camera after a disappointing WINDTALKERS. Uma Thurman and Aaron Eckhardt join the Fleckster as he tries to piece his memory back together after he lost the past few years of his life.
PETER PAN - The buxom blonde from the SWIMMING POOL poster stars as Tinkerbell. That's about all I know. Other than it's obviously another retread of the same old Peter Pan story.
And there we have it. Most of the major releases from now until Christmas are covered above. Save me the e-mails saying, "Hey you didn't mention GOOD BOY!" Yeah I know I missed a few but cut me some slack, Jack. And besides, making jokes at the expense of GOOD BOY! is just too easy.
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