THE BOTTOM OF THINGS

By Michael Sampson

November 26, 2003

Ahh, Thanksgiving. Turkey, stuffing, football, beer, violent family disputes... it doesn't get much better than this. Part of the Thanksgiving tradition is a new Bottom of Things. Trust me it is. You're just not remembering that part. The Indians brought the Pilgrims corn, pumpkin pies, goards and a new column. This week is the continuation of last week's 2004 Preview. I should mention that some of these films are close to a year away and a lot can happen in that time. Release dates are subject to change, titles are subject to change and I'm subject to change my mind and pretend that I never said any of these naughty things at the end of the next year. Proceed with caution and see you in two weeks when our 2003 wrap-up begins with all kinds of "Best Of" action.

SPIDER-MAN 2 – Tobey Maguire's achy-breaky back almost kept him out of the sequel. Actually, it was his greedy little hands that almost had him replaced by Jake Gyllenhaal, who just so happens to be the real Mr. Kirsten Dunst. Maguire had to go begging for his job back. God, if I could've been a fly on the wall in that meeting. (7/2)

ANCHORMAN – ELF made Will Ferrell a superstar and helped people forget he was in SUPERSTAR. ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF ROD BURGUNDY will be the first test of his newfound success as a leading man. Will audiences buy Ferrell as a egotistical '70s newscaster? The last time Ferrell went up against a big-budget action franchise, he won out big time… (7/9)

I, ROBOT – No, not the Johnny-5 biopic we’ve all been waiting for but actually the life story of former “Small Wonder” star Tiffany Brissette. Alright, seriously folks. Will Smith stars in the Alex Proyas (DARK CITY) adaptation of the Isaac Asimov classic. Except it really doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the book, plot-wise. Not quite LAWNMOWER MAN but you’ll find yourself saying, “I don’t remember this in the book,” quite a few times. (7/16)

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY – Matt Damon’s back and this time he’s...well, he's still Jason Bourne and he's still trying to remember what's going on and kick some ass and get into Franke Potente's pants. (7/23)

WHITE CHICKS –Shawn and Marlon Wayans are two FBI agents who go undercover as two white, teenage hotel heiresses named the Wilton Sisters. That’s with a W. Get it? It’s like the Hilton sisters! Wokka wokka! Expect a night-vision sex video parody. Also expect to not laugh. (7/23)

CATWOMAN – Halle Berry, the woman so offended that she had to take the role of Storm in X-MEN, can now have the choice of any project she wants after her MONSTER BALL Oscar win. So what does she choose? First GOTHIKA and now CATWOMAN. The day Ashley Judd saw those costume pictures she must’ve let out the biggest “WHEW!” in history. (7/30)

MONSTER-IN-LAW – Jennifer Lopez stars in this film about a bride-to-be and her future mother-in-law who don’t get along. And the mother-in-law is the bitchy one! How’s that for a twist?! (July TBA)

ALIEN VS PREDATOR – James Cameron got so pissed Fox decided to make a ALIEN VS. PREDATOR film he scrapped his plans for a triumphant return to the franchise with Ridley Scott participating. No joke. Reason to hate it already. Need another? Paul WS Anderson directs. (8/6)

THE VILLAGE – In M. Night Shyamalanamalamalamlaan’s next thriller, Joaquin Phoenix, Sigourney Weaver and William Hurt are the VILLAGE people. They play a group of 19th century folk who’re frightened by the mysterious creatures lurking in the woods surrounding them. Kirsten Dunst was forced to drop out to star in ELIZABETHTOWN with Ashton Kutcher who was forced to drop out to star in “That 70s Show” which pushed back ELIZABETHTOWN to after VILLAGE would’ve wrapped. Whew. Does that make sense? (8/6)

BLADE: TRINITY – In this BLADE / MATRIX crossover, the vampire hunter crosses paths with Trinity and they team to battle a particularly nasty group of vampires and werewolves who threaten to take over the human world and Zion. Easy, fanboys, I’m just kidding. This is just the third and final BLADE movie. And what do you do for a finale in vampire trilogy? Dracula, of course. And about that, I’m not kidding. (8/13)

CONSTANTINE – There has been confusion in the media unfamiliar with the comic that Keanu Reeves was starring as the emperor Constantine but in fact he’s starring as John Constantine from the DC/Vertigo comic “Hellblazer” (that title couldn’t be used for legal reasons). Rachel Weisz, who’s name is so much fun to pronounce with a strict German accent (Rrrrachel Vvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!), co-stars. Tarsem (THE CELL) was scheduled to direct Nic Cage a while back but “creative differences” dissolved that whole deal. (9/17)

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE – See AGENT CODY BANKS 2. (9/24)

WIMBLEDON – What’s more boring that watching the actual Wimbledon? Watching a movie based on Wimbledon. And a romantic comedy, no less. But then again there’s Kirsten Dunst running around in a little short tennis skirt. Damn, they got me. (9/24)

SHARK TALE – Formerly SHARKSLAYER but that was too rough for the kiddies. An impressive cast that includes Robert De Niro, Will Smith, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellweger, Jack Black and Martin Scorsese features character design that underwhelms when following in the wake of FINDING NEMO. (10/1)

TAXI – How ya livin', Jimmy Fallon? One-half of Weekend Update co-stars with Her Majesty Latifah and a bevy of models-turned-actresses led by Leonardo DiCaprio’s play-thing Gisele Bundchen. (10/8)

SON OF THE MASK – See AGENT CODY BANKS 2. (10/15)

COLLATERAL – For the first time Tom Cruise plays a bad, bad man. A hit man actually. Jamie Foxx is his driver taking him all around town. And I think he actually has a part in the movie too. Michael Mann directs. (October TBA)

ALEXANDER – Colin Farrell gets all smoochy-smoochy with Rosario Dawson AND Jared Leto. Why do I have a feeling Jared Leto is going the Method route to prepare for his gay scenes…(11/5)

THE INCREDIBLES – Samuel L. Jackson lends his voice to this Pixar film about a family of superheroes and get this – he’s not the bad guy! Also interesting is that View Askew regular Jason Lee also lends his voice. And he is the bad guy! Up is down, black is white! It’s a bizarro world! Craig T. Nelson rounds out the cast, which makes him the second “Coach” alum to be voicing an animated film in the 2004 holiday season (see SPONGEBOB). No word on whether Jerry Van Dyke plans to voice any characters in the near future. (11/5)

THE RING 2 – The first one (the DreamWorks one, not RINGU) was so damn good and scary, I can’t believe they’d tarnish its image with a subpar sequel. Oh wait, I can believe that. Gore Verbinski isn’t returning, Naomi Watts is and Daveigh Chase, who played Samara, will be replaced by Hallie Eisenberg from those Pepsi commercials. No no no… now that would REALLY be scary. (11/10)

THE POLAR EXPRESS – What’s creepier than Tom Hanks’ moustache in ROAD TO PERDITION? His CGI face in the POLAR EXPRESS trailer. Bring your kids to this holiday classic. Then stay up with them at night as they live in fear of a scary Tom Hanks conductor living in their closet. (11/19)

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS – Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Elvis Presley! That’s where he’s been hiding all these years with Jimmy Hoffa and the real Michael Jackson. But next door in Bikini Bottom is a porous yellow rectangle named SpongeBob. Perhaps Paramount should’ve thought about releasing this movie before the character got a little old and stale. (11/19)

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS – Can Ben Affleck survive Christmas? Well he survived GIG – nevermind. I’ll skip the easy joke. (11/24)

OCEAN'S TWELVE – This doesn’t exactly have the same ring as OCEAN’S 11 - 12 is such a clumsy and doofy number – but Clooney and Soderbergh managed to convince everyone to return. Vincent I’m-the-luckiest-man-alive-cause-I-get-to-bang-Monica-Bellucci-every-night Cassel is the twelfth man. (12/10)

CINDERELLA MAN - Russell Crowe stars in this film. While the gay community is thinking this sounds like a faaaabulous idea, it’s not quite that easy. He isn’t playing Cinderella, he’s playing a boxer named Jim Braddock. Renee Zellweger has signed on to co-star, which should test Mr. Crowe’s fidelity to his new wife. (12/17)

LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS – I had never even heard of this series of books before it was announced it would be adapted into a movie. But whatever the hell this book is, it attracted the likes of Jim Carrey, Meryl Streep and Jude Law. That ain’t half bad. (12/17)

KING ARTHUR – Keira Knightley wears nothing but a thin leather strap over her pert young breasts. It can now be confirmed that Hollywood has tapped into my brain and is siphoning ideas to use in movies. (12/25)

AN UNFINISHED LIFE – Jennifer Lopez and Robert Redford star in this drama from Lasse Hallstrom (THE SHIPPING NEWS) about a woman who moves in with her father-in-law after her husband dies and old wounds are healed. Sounds like a real winner. Too bad this wasn’t an unfinished movie. (12/25)

THE AVIATOR – Leonardo DiCaprio beat Jim Carrey to the punch in the race to see who could get their Howard Hughes biopic up and running first. A bevy of beauties co-star as ladies from the golden age of cinema. Kate Beckinsale, Cate Blanchett and Gwen Stefani star as Ava Gardner, Katherine Hepburn and Jean Harlow respectively. And super hottie model Josie Maran’s there as well! (December TBA)

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA – Sorry, but I can’t go see this movie as part of my embargo on seeing any Joel Schumacher film. I passed that into legislation after 8MM and so far things are going well. I suggest you follow my lead. (December TBA)

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