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THE BOTTOM OF THINGS
By Michael Sampson
January 28, 2004
I apologize in advance for the brevity this week but I’m prepping some pretty
exciting stuff for you guys in the coming weeks. This past weekend, I flew out
to LA to check out two upcoming films – WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT and THE GIRL NEXT
DOOR. Knowing the weather would be what it was in NYC, I decided to take an
extended quasi-vacation. Go out a day early, come back a day late. These
weekends get very busy and I always feel like I never have time to just relax
and soak up the Cali lifestyle. Plus, the Globes were going on and “Friends”
was taping its last episode so I thought I’d sneak into both events.
I’m a big “24” fan. Have I said that recently? I was hooked from Episode 1 of
Season 1. I don’t watch a whole lot of TV but I make sure I’m in front of the
tube every Tuesday at 9pm. A lot of people’s primary complaint about the show,
especially last season, was Kim Bauer, Keifer Sutherland’s daughter on the show,
played by Elisha Cuthbert. Danger-Prone Kim as she came to be known had, in two
seasons, been abducted, her mother was murdered, chased by her psycho-abusive
boss, framed for murder, escaped from police custody, her boyfriend’s legs were
amputated, her savior turned out to be a creepy, backwoods hick with rape on his
mind, she got her foot trapped in a hunter’s snare and ran afoul of a mountain
lion, her hitchhiked driver was another wannabe rapist, she was in the middle of
a convenience store robbery/hostage situation, etc., etc. But none of that
bothered me much. It was part of the charm. What will dopey Kim get herself
into next? Plus it was all worth it to sit though the Jack Bauer Power
Hour.
Being a big “24” fan and being a heterosexual male, I couldn’t help but be a fan
of Elisha Cuthbert. Those tight shirts…the heaving bosom…the confused look. So
when I heard she was playing a former porn star in her next movie THE GIRL NEXT
DOOR, I got my sleeping bag and tent and starting camping outside the local
theater. Could it get any better than this? Turns out it could. How about
sitting next to Elisha talking to her about playing a porn star. Yeah, that’s
better.
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I won’t get into the specifics of the interview here cause that’ll run in full
at a later date but let’s say this – she’s every bit as beautiful in person. I
always get nervous meeting female celebrities I find attractive for fear it will
ruin the fantasy. Famke Janssen for example. Big fan. Then I interviewed her
and it hasn’t been the same since. Some celebrities just don’t hold up in
person. What’s that expression? Good from far but far from good? Luckily
Elisha doesn’t fit under that category.
She was wearing a striped shirt with a plunging neckline; yeah, that’s right I
said plunging. Down far. I literally had to tell myself repeatedly not to
stare. I felt like Indiana Jones sizing up the Incan relic in the beginning of
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Rubbing my chin wondering how I could get my hands on
that treasure. All the while trying to stay focused on her answer and remember
my next question. And who said there was no skill involved in this job?
Short of telling me what was going to happen on “24” at the end of the season
(she’s filming episode 18 as we speak), she was open to all questions, including
the obvious one: did she do any research to play a porn star? Short answer,
yes. Long answer…well you’ll have to wait and see. But the thought of Elisha
Cuthbert flipping through porno mags and watching porno movies is just about all
my mind can take before reaching critical mass.
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Speaking of wonderful mental images, there is a brief scene of nudity early on
in the film featuring Elisha’s character. A thong shot as well as a side view
of the boobs. It looked suspiciously like a body double since there was no one
shot that showed her face and her body at the same time. I somehow got the
balls to ask her about this and she confirmed that is in fact all her. The only
scene she says a body double was used in were some of the recreations of her
porn movies where she’s getting it from behind. But when you see the boob, it’s
all her. OK enough. I’m giving away the best parts of the interview. But
trust me, there’ll be much more when I run this thing.
The movie itself was actually pretty good. If I were to offer up a pull quote
for Fox it’d be, “I went for the boobage but stayed for the laughs!” I really
expected nothing more than Elisha in scantily clad attire but it was actually
pretty funny. The main character’s friends were pretty damn funny and it was
refreshing to see geeks in a movie that actually looked and acted like geeks.
One kid is a dead ringer for John Cusack in SIXTEEN CANDLES. A surprisingly
funny flick and worthy of the comparisons to AMERICAN PIE and RISKY
BUSINESS.
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Then I hightailed it on over to the Arclight theater in Hollywood for a quick
cocktail party before MOOSEPORT began. How I’m expected to go back to regular
theatergoing after the Arclight is beyond me. And why there’s no Arclight in
New York is also beyond me. But those folks in LA really know how to do movies
right. There’s literally not a bad seat in the house. Even if you sat in the
first row, it’d be akin to sitting near the middle in the normal theater cause
there’s just that much room. Not to mention knowledgeable and friendly staff,
cleanliness and state of the art equipment. Maybe I would’ve thought
differently had I been paying the $15 or whatever they’re charging for a ticket
but I was going on the house so I didn’t think too much of it.
After a few drinks and a very long hour of hanging with my colleagues in the
press, I made my way to MOOSEPORT. Since there’s an embargo, I can’t talk about
whether I liked the film or not but let’s just say I can’t remember how the
movie ends. (Probably cause I was in the car speeding away at that point.)
Hmmm, muttering under your break doesn’t come across so well in print.
I was also scheduled to do a set visit while I was out there and some interviews
associated with that but the schedule just didn’t pan out. It was postponed and
postponed and eventually it didn’t work out. It was for AFTER THE SUNSET with
Pierce Brosnan, Salma Hayek and Woody Harrelson. I also contemplated doing the
AGAINST THE ROPES junket but the thought of sitting through a Meg Ryan boxing
movie and then having to, with a straight face, ask her questions about the
movie, just seemed way too painful. So MOOSEPORT and GIRL NEXT DOOR are all you
get for now. That’s interviews with the aforementioned Ms. Cuthbert, her
co-star Emile Hirsch, director Luke Greenfield and Ray Romano from MOOSEPORT.
Gene Hackman wasn’t there but may be doing some press in New York with co-star
Marcia Gay Harden and if that’s so, I’ll see if I can’t track the man down.
Long story short, go see GIRL NEXT DOOR this March. If you’re under 17 and
can’t get in cause of the rating, sneak in. That’s right sneak in. Fox can’t
tell you that cause it’s immoral and probably illegal for them but this is the
perfect movie for kids in high school, the majority of which aren’t over 17. So
either find some guy in the lobby to buy your ticket or buy a ticket to
TEACHER’S PET and sneak in when the ticket taker turns his back.
So how bout them Oscars huh? I won’t get into it too much 'cause Mr. Jeffrey
Wells will no doubt spend his entire column doing that with a lot more insight
than I could here. I just wanted to throw some props out to the Academy for
finally coming up with a crop of nominations that I think everyone could agree
is the best in years. The past few years have been such bores and this year
there’s a lot to root for. Normally we’d spend this time talking about how the
Academy has no balls and would never in a hundred years nominated Johnny Depp
for an acting performance in a Jerry Bruckheimer summer action flick no matter
how great it was. But we can’t say that today. And I hate to be happy that
COLD MOUNTAIN didn’t get nominated but…actually no, I don’t hate it. I’m happy
and I love it. It has absolutely nothing to do with Miramax and that Oscar
machine they’ve got over there and “backlash” or anything like that. COLD
MOUNTAIN was just not a good film. Period. I don’t care if Warner Bros
released it and sent me to Bermuda all-expenses paid for an orgy with Renee
Zellweger, Nicole Kidman and Natalie Portman. It just wasn’t that good. And if
it got nominated, it wouldn’t have deserved it. I don’t love MASTER AND
COMMANDER either but that’s another story for another day. Eventually I’ll make
my Oscar predictions column but not now. I need time to digest. Not the
nominations, this nacho cheese chalupa from Taco Bell.
Oh and you think it’s a coincidence that Ben and Jen broke up while I was in LA?
Think again sucka!
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Back soon with GIRL NEXT DOOR, WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT and JERSEY GIRL shtuff as
well as an in-depth look at movie trailers, a script-to-screen comparison of
Universal’s DAWN OF THE DEAD.
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