For me it was my sophomore year in college. I was still living in the dorms, despite the fact most of my friends had either pledged and moved in their frat house or simply gotten an off-campus apartment. The floor was full of freshman - damn their spunky optimism and loud rock and roll, I'd say - but there was this one quiet girl who transferred in. After a floor party one evening, I went to the lounge to buy a pack of cigarettes from the vending machine. Across the hall, I noticed her in the laundry room, switching her clothes from washer to dryer. With the confidence only a few shots of tequila can offer, I walked over and asked why she a) left the party to do laundry and b) was doing laundry this late at night to begin with. I could tell she was drunk, too and, I sensed, a little lonely, as well. She hoisted herself atop the empty washing machine and we began to talk over a shared cigarette. We bullshitted for at least a half an hour; the time I was cognizant of only because the dryer, set for 30 minutes, announced the end of its cycle with a booming NNZZZZZ!. She hopped off and brushed past me with empty basket in hand. Slowly she emptied the dryer's content into her basket. I sat next to her as she began to fold her clothes. And like the static electricity that bound her socks to her shirts, we were drawn closer. Our lips stopped about a millimeter away. There was that hesitation that felt like a lifetime but in reality lasted about two seconds. I felt her breath on my chin. I could smell the raspberry of her lip gloss. But just as quickly as it began, it was over. For reasons to this day I still contemplate, I took a step back and awkwardly began fumbling for words. I walked her to her room and that was that. We barely saw each other again.

Some time later at a party, in a mean little bit of role reversal, she actually came up to me and asked me about that night. She leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Did we have sex that night?" No, I assured her.

"Phew! I was so wasted and I couldn't remember. I know I probably would have! But I'm glad we didn't...that just would've ruined everything!..."

She kept talking. I stopped listening. I smiled, nodded and pretended that this non-existent friendship we had was more important than a night of unbridled, drunken, college lust. Every once in a while as I do a load of laundry, I think back to that night and wonder why (WHY?!) I backed off. I suppose, to put it bluntly, I pussied out.

I'm fine with it now because had that happened I may never have met my beautiful wife, whom I had the balls to approach only after learning a hard lesson about courage from this very event. (Very astute readers will notice this is when I backtrack, to avoid spending the next week sleeping on the couch.)

But as you all know, this is Movie Poop Shoot, not Cosmo or Sensitive Guy Weekly, so there is a point to all this that somehow relates back to movies.

Movies, like the girl who got away, can too become victims of fate. Movies that will never happen because of a problem here, or a problem there, or for no particular problem at all. And despite the fact that you realistically know it will never get made, you still dream about it happening and fantasize about your version of the film in your head.

Why, people wonder, when plenty of shitty movies slip through the cracks every year, can a decent film not get made? For the same reason a drunk, horny college kid walks away from a beautiful girl, I suppose. Studios are scared to take a chance. Allow me now, if you will, to act as the ANIMAL HOUSE devil-on-the-shoulder to the studio execs and do my best to convince them to take a chance. Hopefully my advice will add up to more than "squeeze her tits!"

For me the one movie that got away was SURVIVOR. No, not the movie based on the reality TV show (and God help us all if that day ever comes) but the movie based on the novel by author Chuck Palahniuk. You know Chuck Palahniuk, or at least you know his work. Have you seen FIGHT CLUB? Look who I'm asking here - of course you've seen FIGHT CLUB. That's like asking a NAMBLA convention if they've seen HOME ALONE. So if you're familiar with FIGHT CLUB, you're familiar with the twisted mind of Palahniuk. And if all you know about the man is FIGHT CLUB, get this - SURVIVOR is ten times better than FIGHT CLUB.

If SURVIVOR is so much better than FIGHT CLUB, why isn't it being made? Well, for a couple reasons. For starters, Chapter One (actually the novel begins at Chapter 47 and they, and the page numbers, count backwards to the story's conclusion) takes place aboard a hijacked plane. Not exactly material that's hurtling towards theaters these days. Palahniuk's material is a hard-sell to begin with (see FIGHT CLUB's poor performance at the box-office), but add a man hijacking a plane with plans to deliberately crash it over Australia and, well, you've got problems.

All this is a damn shame because SURVIVOR, as I've said about a hundred times, is a fantastic book. Being a fantastic book, it's attracted (or had attracted) a litany of talent including Jerry Bruckheimer, Sam Mendes, Kevin Spacey, Nicole Kidman, Madonna, Tony Scott, Trent Reznor and Marilyn Manson. Unfortunately, none of those people could help get this film off the ground.

Jake "Yes, I'm Gwyneth's Brother and No, I Won't Get You Her Autograph" Paltrow was hired to write the first draft of the script despite his relatively lean resume (he directed an episode of "NYPD Blue" in the mid-90s). His draft was turned into executives at Twentieth Century Fox who apparently very much dug the work (reportedly graded an 8 out of 10). (Surprisingly, the Paltrow script hasn't been leaked online anywhere.) The failure, or what was perceived as failure by Fox, of FIGHT CLUB in theaters kept executives hesitant despite their reported excitement over the material.

It didn't help that people attached to the project were in and out fast--Mendes walked early on, after deciding to direct ROAD TO PERDITION instead. While that was disappointing news, I can't say I blame the guy for asking "how high?" when Spielberg and Hanks said "jump." Spacey, hoping to reteam with the guy who hooked him up with AMERICAN BEAUTY, walked shortly thereafter, leaving the film in limbo.

Various name talent has traveled through the revolving door of interest since that time but the project remained in development hell until September 11th, 2001. After that day, it sank even deeper, down into the 9th concentric circle of development hell, where it became as likely as SCHINDLER'S LIST 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. Executives were nervous about the content of SURVIVOR from the very beginning, and the tragedy of 9/11 added only more fuel to the fire of their concerns. While I consider myself extremely sensitive to victims of 9/11, I can't help but think that if we're ready to view documentary footage from inside one of the Twin Towers as the other fell, we're ready to see SURVIVOR (which is no worse than the terrorist bombings of COLLATERAL DAMAGE). In fact, the hijacking situation in the film could be dealt with in a particular way that would avoid offending sensitive audience members. Certainly, when a novel is adapted to the screen, passages must be sacrificed. Here, instead of showing the hijacking of the plane, couldn't that scene be excised and merely referred to in conversation?

That is, of course, assuming this is the only thing keeping SURVIVOR from becoming a reality, and that, of course, we know is not true. As one Hollywood insider told me when I asked about the project, Fox has tons of films in development, SURVIVOR likely being the riskiest of them all. When so few films actually get the greenlight, why give it to a project like SURVIVOR that is so risky and holds the potential for financial and political backlash? After all, making movies is a business and part of that business is making money.

Can SURVIVOR ever get made? It could, yes, but likely won't. Fox has moved on to developing more commercially palatable fare like THE FANTASTIC FOUR and THE A-TEAM. And I honestly can't say I blame them (especially for FF: THE MOVIE). While I'd like to sit here and spew fire and brimstone at them from my view atop this high horse, I see and understand the reasoning behind their decision. Yet at the same time, it's frustrating to know that THE COUNTRY BEARS has Ferrari-like speed throughout its development while a novel as cinematic in its prose as SURVIVOR coughs smoke out its tailpipe and sputters like an '89 Yugo.

Being the egotistical megalomaniac I am, I think maybe there's something I could do. First off, I offer this link - http://www.PetitionOnline.com/UninTY/petition.html - sent in by a reader (who coincidentally knew nothing about this column which was already 3/4 of the way completed) who's attempting to collect a mass of signatures on his petition to help convince Fox to give this project a second chance. Second, I wish to play SimProducer for a moment.

(On a quick side note, why has a computer game called SimProducer never been made? Make it just like SimCity or The Sims except you're a producer making movies. You pick actors/actresses, genre, plot specifics and guide it from pre-production to theaters. Meanwhile you have to help publicize the film and the idea is to make sure the most amount of people in SimTown see your movie. I'm doing a piss-poor job of describing this, but I think you get the idea. How much fun would this be for movie geeks worldwide? EA: get on this immediately and make sure to give me a share of the profits for coming up with this fantastic idea.)

Let's say I'm the producer guiding SURVIVOR along. To give Fox execs an idea of how perfect this movie could be, let me offer up these suggestions for cast/crew. First off, you need a script. Jake Paltrow might be a perfectly nice guy and all, but we need a new screenwriter. Is Renee Zellweger's brother available? Hahaha. In all seriousness, how about Scott Frank (GET SHORTY, OUT OF SIGHT) or Charlie Kaufman (CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND)?

With a polished script out of the way, let's talk directors. Take Fincher out of the equation because that's too obvious (besides, he's got about 900 projects he's attached to at the present time). I propose Mark Romanek, soon to make his stellar theatrical debut with ONE HOUR PHOTO, or Mark Pellington of MOTHMAN PROPHECIES fame. Neither have worked on a film as humorous and satirical as SURVIVOR but I'm confident their abilities will transfer over with the right script. Now what about a cast...

For a role that once Kevin Spacey and Jim Carrey were flirting with (however briefly), I submit to the jury that Edward Norton should play lead character Tender Branson. He's shown he can play both passive and aggressive in the same movie before (PRIMAL FEAR, AMERICAN HISTORY X) and that's just what this role requires (as long as he bulks up a bit). As the female lead, I'm waving goodbye to Nicole Kidman and not even answering Madonna's phone calls, instead deciding upon Kate Hudson. I know die-hard Palahniuk fans will say she's too young for the role of Fertility Hollis, but I say she's just perfect for the part, and I say the kid stays in the picture.

With a team all wrapped up, I can just picture the trailer now with that guy's voice saying:

Edward Norton. Kate Hudson. From the creators of FIGHT CLUB, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES and "The Bottom of Things"....SURVIVOR.

Ahhh...I feel like Capt. Ahab staring down at that great white whale as she sank lifelessly to the bottom of the sea. Such satisfaction. But alas, SURVIVOR, like the laundry room girl and Ahab's whale, were too mighty to be tamed by any mortal man. Perhaps a SURVIVOR movie works best as a pipe dream. Something to lean your head back, close your eyes and dream of. Because you know if you ever kissed that girl, it wouldn't be as sweet as you had imagined it.