HOUSE OF WAX is purportedly a remake of the 1953 Vincent Price horror film of the same name. I say "purportedly" because it shares very little – and I mean VERY little – in common with the original. About the only thing it has in common is a house of wax and a sly acknowledgement to Price with a villain named “Vincent.” The original film was noteworthy for its foray into 3-D; the first feature film to do so. There apparently was some consideration to using 3-D for the remake – scenes are written to include things like a tire iron or pitchfork flying at the screen - but that concept has since been scrapped. It’s a shame 'cause that’d be about the only distinctive thing about this film.

The film could, if the producers so wished, be renamed THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2: THE IOWA WAX MASSACRE because that’s essentially what this film is – a retread of the same basic partying-teens-stranded-in-deserted-town-and-killed-off-one-by-one-by-demented-locals storyline. You’ve seen it in the original TCM and its 2003 remake, again in WRONG TURN and similar storylines in DELIVERANCE, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and many more. The film primarily follows teens Carly Foster and boyfriend Wade with their group of friends (featuring such WB-tastic names as Paige, Blake and Dalton) and Carly’s brother Nick playing supporting roles. The sextet are on their way to the Iowa/Nebraska college football game and have decided to make camping and tequila drinking part of their road trip. It’s not long after being detoured off the main highway (cue foreboding music) that they set up their first camp. Chugging, body shots and hanky-panky ensue and when our teens wake up nursing a wicked hangover they find one of their cars is suddenly sans fan belt. And so begins the series of events that puts this whole movie into motion.

The group split up (wait, we’ll get to these horror clichés in just a second) and Carly and Wade head into town to find a replacement fan best. A creepy hick named Lester gives them a ride but the dead carcasses in his pickup truck and bloody knives in his belt sufficiently creeps them out enough that they bail and hoof it into the town. There they stumble upon a deserted ghost town (is there any other type) with startlingly out-of-date movies and groceries and, oh yeah, a roadside attraction called “Trudy’s House of Wax.” I don’t think you need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out the town isn’t completely deserted and something much more sinister lies behind the façade of the street front.

I’ll say that the script, written by Chad and Carey Hayes and dated December 11th, 2003, isn’t necessarily terrible, it’s just terribly unnecessary. You’ve seen this movie before. About a hundred times. It features all the old standby horror gimmicks. The aforementioned bright idea of splitting up just when things start to get weird. The opening kill sequence that establishes our killer. The car that won’t start. The cell phone that can’t get signal. The killer who they think is dead but really isn’t. The couple about to get it on who are rudely interrupted by the killer and then brutally murdered. The fake scares (Ahh! It’s the killer! Oh whew, it’s just you…). There are plenty more that I won’t reveal here for sake of spoilers but trust me. This script is a veritable text book example of a horror clichés.

I’d complain that the film doesn’t give you characters you care about but I don’t think that was ever the intention of the Hayes Brothers. This isn’t supposed to be an EXORCIST-style horror film that will give you nightmares later on but a throwback to the old 70s-style slasher films where the kills – not the stars – are the main attraction. It’s no surprise the bad guys are given more background and depth than any of our victims. But when you’re looking at a film purely for the exploitation factor and the sheer carnage of it, you want some carnage right? WAX is unfortunately a film made up entirely of cheap thrills. Neither scary enough nor cheesy enough to be effective on any level. It’s just a big puff of nothing. I felt absolutely zero emotion (can boredom be considered an emotion?) reading this script. I didn’t jump with it, laugh with it or even laugh at it for that matter.

I honestly expected this film to try and up the ante a bit from a film like TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE to kind of separate it from the pack. If you’re going to follow an overdone concept – even going so far as to have your own Leatherface ripoff but with wax instead of leather – at least liven it up with some creative and gory kills, right? Wrong. The kills here are so ho-hum. The only scene I imagine getting any type of reaction from the crowd is when Paris Hilton’s character goes face-to-face with the killer. And does that have anything to do with the film or just a side-effect of Hilton’s stunt casting?

(For the curious, this draft was written before Hilton was cast in the film so there are no self-referential jokes regarding her, her persona or the infamous videotape, though I’m guessing that may change. However her character does offer up tequila shots in between her “perfect breasts” to her pals and does a sexy striptease for her boyfriend.)

There are scenes that show some promise, including when one character is abducted and lips are glued shut and a finger is chopped off with a wire cutter, but sadly much of that is glossed over. Doesn’t having the tip of your finger cut off hurt like a sumbitch? Aside from the original incident and the amount of blood being mentioned later, it’s barely touched upon.

The dramatic conclusion is set in the titular House of Wax and, as another horror gimmick, reveals some not-so-shocking details about our killer’s past. There’s also a “twist” at the end that’s so predictable you might have already guessed it just by reading this script review and leaves the film open for a – gulp – sequel.

Perhaps when the script is laid out on screen director Jaume Sarra will add some visual flair to the script and improve on what he has on page. The House of Wax itself has potential to be effectively disturbing and if nothing else, it should be interesting to see how they pull off creating an entire house out of wax. It should also be interesting to see how they pull off a performance from an actress, Paris Hilton, made entirely out of wax. OK, see that was just way too easy.

HOUSE OF WAX just began filming last month and Warner Bros. hopes to have it ready for a Halloween release. If six months to film, edit and release a movie sounds a little rushed, so does this script so don’t be too surprised. Aside from the aforementioned socialite/homemade porno star Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray and Jared Padalecki co-star.

(By the way, if you’re a real spoiler purist, stay away from Warner Bros.’ official synopsis of the film. I found it gave away a good portion of the movie (not that it matters…) and talks about events that happen about 90% of the way into the script.)

Bottom line? This Halloween there are gonna be a lot scarier things – like that old lady in your neighborhood who still hands out Mary Janes and pennies wrapped in tissues – to occupy you so don’t waste your time with HOUSE OF WAX. The Hayes Brothers may have an effective thriller in them yet (they have a college-based horror script set up with Michael Bay and Dimension Films) but this ain’t it.

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