In actuality, the only possible "victory" I'm sensing around town is a notion that AMERICAN SPLENDOR is a lock to win the IFP Spirit Award for Best Picture.

Except nobody watches the IFP Spirit Awards. Everyone watches the Oscar awards, and it's money in the bank when an indie-type flick manages an Oscar nomination. But unless a gang of angels comes floating down from heaven this week and begins to lobby Academy members in the same way Emma Thompson got through to Justin Kirk in ANGELS IN AMERICA, Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini's AMERICAN SPLENDOR will probably get the Oscar shaft.

(Acting and screenplay awards are another story. Berman and Pulcini's screenplay has a serious shot at a Best Adapted Screenplay nomination, and costar Hope Davis...here's hoping.)

If any indie-styled feature is going to be nominated for Best Picture, it'll most likely be LOST IN TRANSLATION. This is what the tea leaves say. And that wouldn't be entirely right or fitting, dammit...it just wouldn't.

If any Academy members reading this have yet to make up their minds about choosing the five Best Picture candidates, please mull this one over.

AMERICAN SPLENDOR is a better film than Sofia Coppola's LOST IN TRANSLATION, in the opinion of dozens of knowledgable film critics. It has appeared on 92 ten-best lists drawn up by the best of them, and been named the best film of 2003 by NEWSWEEK's David Ansen and ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY's Owen Gleiberman.

SPLENDOR has a Movie City News ranking of 552. This is lower than TRANSLATION's 785, obviously, but nothing to snort at either. In addition to Best Picture trophies from the L.A. Film Critics and the Nation Society of Film Critics, the New York Film Critics Circle and the Toronto Film Critics have named it the year's Best First Film and Best First Feature, respectively.

If you want to be really hopeful, you could lean on the fact that in the past ten years 80% of the Best Picture winners from the LA Film and 60% of the winners of Best Picture of the National Society of Film Critics got nominated for Best Picture.

I don't personally believe AMERICAN SPLENDOR is a finer, grittier and more expressive thing than LOST IN TRANSLATION. I feel I know this for a fact.

What does SPLENDOR have that TRANSLATION doesn't? A certain dinghy American flavor, for one thing. Dweeby downbeat humor, for another. A sense of full-bodied life, perhaps? Real dramatic range?

SPLENDOR is about a homely, schlumpy, late-blooming graphic-novel writer named Harvey Pekar (Paul Giamatti) crawling out of a meager day-to-day existence as a Cleveland file clerk and finding his creative voice, a measure of success, a wife, a daughter...and beating back cancer.

TRANSLATION is about a too-cool-for-school teenager (oops, I'm sorry...Scarlett Johansson is supposed to be playing a woman in her early 20s) who has a non-sexual, barely-tangible affair of the heart with a lonely middle-aged actor (the great Bill Murray) over a three- or four-day period in Tokyo.

"There's a 100% difference in class between the two," says Hope. "SPLENDOR is the only film out there that's truly about working people. You can't get more diametrically opposed in terms of LOST IN TRANSLATION," which essentially is about people with expense accounts.

"Both films embrace truly unique methods of storytelling, and that's really exciting," observes Hope. "They remind us that we all can make much better, more original films."

AMERICAN SPLENDOR began its theatrical run on August 15, 2003. The DVD will be on the shelves on Feburary 3rd.

What does TRANSLATION have that SPLENDOR doesn't? Somewhat more attractive actors compared to SPLENDOR's Giamatti and Davis. (Murray dyed his hair and lost weight for the part and is funnier than Giamatti, and there's no disputing that Johansson is everyone's favorite hip hottie of the moment.)

And TRANSLATION has a younger, more high-profile director in Sofia Coppola, who of course is reaping the benefits of being a near and dear relation of director Francis Coppola.

There seems to be an understanding that of the five Best Picture Oscar candidates, one will be a smallish indie-type film. I'm not saying that LOST IN TRANSLATION is a lock for an Oscar nomination; it might be overlooked. But if AMERICAN SPLENDOR were to somehow sneak into the running, a lot of people (me included) would faint dead over. It would be stupendous.

Think about this, Academy voters. Only your vote can upset the apple cart. Unleash your inner schlub.

Why Bingham Went Down

Some intriguing background to the news about Bingham Ray's having lost his job as president of United Artists is provided in the final pages of Peter Biskind's new book about the independent film movement, "Down and Dirty Pictures: Miramax, Sundance and the Rise of Independent Film," which just hit the stands

The presumed reason for Ray's just-announced departure from the specialty film division of MGM was that "he proved too independent for his superiors' taste," according to THE HOLLY WOOD REPORTER's Chris Gardner and Gregg Kilday. The last three pages of Biskind's book recount instances of friction between Ray and his MGM bosses, Chris McGurk and Alex Yemenidjian, that happened a couple of months ago over Ray's having led the resistance among "the dependents" to the MPAA screener ban.

Friction had been especially heated between Ray and MGM CEO Yemenidjian, who was so angry about Ray's militant anti-MPAA position that he told Ray during a late October phone conference he had "a choice between shutting up and getting out." There was a pause after Yemenidjian delivered the ultimatum. He said to Ray, "Are you still there?" Ray replied a la Jack Benny, "I'm thinking."

Ray later told Biskind, "When Alex told me to back off, I backed off. I felt bad, like a total fucking sellout. But I got a kid to send to college."

After Ray's dust-up with Yemendijian, Biskind reports, McGurk called him and said, "I gotta tell ya, Bingham, with you, it's never boring. It's exhausting. Ya know, you would be a problem and have a problem, no matter where you went, no matter who you were working for. Or with. It's just in your nature." Ray replied, "You just arrived at that, did you?"

The book ends with Ray telling Biskind, "I bring out the best and the worst in some of these people. [The screener ban debate] was all about money, and I still believe there are decisions that you make that aren't motivated by financial gain. The independent world isn't like the Hollywood world. The motives are different, the goals are different, people aren't necessarily trying to get rich and powerful, they're trying to push art first while thinking everything else will take care of itself.

"That's the naive part of it, it doesn't happen that way. You can't even talk about that with a straight face or people will laugh you off the planet. But there's a big part of me that really does believe this. And will always believe that."

The Silence

There are always pre-festival screenings in Los Angeles during the week before the start of any Sundance. This year, there've been almost none. The explanation is that all the screening rooms were booked solid weeks ago during the screener-ban panic, primarily for the showing of 2003 films. There's also the occasional explanation that this or that film is being finished up at the lab and isn't quite ready to be shown. ...sure.

There was an L.A. screening a few days ago for Andrey Zvyagintsev's THE RETURN (which I missed) and another last Monday for Wolfgang Becker's GOODBYE LENIN! (which I went to). I know I'm expected to like LENIN because it was so popular and well-reviewed during its run in Europe last year, but once the deception plot kicked in (i.e., an East German family struggling to keep their die-hard commie mother, just out of a coma, from learning that communism is dead and that Germany has been unified), I found it flat and uninvolving.

Otherwise, an opportunity to get a few Sundance films seen by key journalists in advance of the festival is being squandered, and the chances are now upped that I might miss a deserving film or two. I'm running a follow-up to last week's Sundance handicap column next Wednesday. Any candid info about any of the titles I mentioned would be welcome.

Da Coolness, Part 2

I've got an article in the February issue of EMPIRE that features a kind-of Hollywood insider's list of the 100 Best and Brightest. (The piece is part of a special supplement called "EMPIRE Goes to Hollywood - The Ultimate Guide to the Coolest Postcode on the Planet.") The article is called "The Top 100 MVP's - Most Valuable Players." It's based on a telephone and e-mail poll I conducted last summer, and then updated last November.

There's a good deal more to this supplement than just my article, as well as what's in the main magazine, of course, so by all means give it a read. The energy and impudence in any issue of EMPIRE puts PREMIERE and ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY to shame. In any case, since my original copy ran a bit longer than what was published I'm running a "writer's cut" version, just for inclusion's sake. Part 1 ran in Wednesday's (1.7.04) column. -- J.W.

The Big Question went as follows: which Hollywood folk are due the most credit for making (or otherwise significantly contributing to) those relatively few movies each year that really deserve to be called cool, high-calibre, great, memorable, or some kind of really special?

It's all relative and depends, obviously, on who you're talking to, and what kind of axe they're looking to grind. But if you call and write around (I got in touch with several dozen directors, studio execs, screenwriters, publicists, journalists, actors and an assortment of plugged-in fans), a certain admiring consensus about certain people starts to emerge.

So here are the finalists, listed alphabetically. There are scores of other cool people working in Hollywood (like Albert Brooks, for example). This is just how it shook down this one time....

51. John Lesher (Endeavor talent agent). Reps the coolest directors -- directors Alejandro Gonzales Innaritu (21 GRAMS, AMORES PERROS)., Paul Thomas Anderson, David O. Russell, etc. Shrewd, hard-working, eccentric -- this last attribute said to be one reason why talent relaxes around him.

52. Baz Luhrman (director). Credits: MOULIN ROUGE, ROMEO + JULIET, the apparently defunct ALEXANDER THE GREAT (what's the latest on this puppy?...Dino still running into snags with financing?...is it toast?). Baz's intensity factor overrides.

53. David Lynch (director). Credits: MULHOLLAND DRIVE, LOST HIGHWAY, BLUE VELVET, THE SHORT STORY. L.A. people don't bow down to Lynch the way New Yorkers and Londoners do (the GUARDIAN named him "the most important filmmaker of the current era"), but the hipper types all mention him as one of the Good Guys. Helping to raise $1 billion to build a network of Transcendental Meditation "peace palaces"....strangely cool.

54. Ewan MacGregor (actor). Credits: BIG FISH, "the mustard & ketchup man" in YOUNG ADAM; DOWN WITH LOVE, MOULIN ROUGE. "Normally I would say yes, but his performance in DOWN WITH LOVE was ...I don't know, pasty. And this is coming from a girl who was completely enamored of him in MOULIN ROUGE." -- L.A.-based publicist. The new Albert Finney -- he'll work until he's 90. It's not a genuine indie film until Ewan drops trou.

55. John Malkovich (actor). Credits: RIPLEY'S GAME . Terry Zwigoff's ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL, COLOR ME KUBRICK (actor) and THE DANCER UPSTAIRS), plus his Mr. Mudd producing partners, Russell Smith and Lianne Halfon.

56. Anthony Minghella (writer-director). Credits: COLD MOUNTAIN, THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY, THE ENGLISH PATIENT. Creating the poetic, large-canvas soulfulness of COLD MOUNTAIN was a formidable feat, and deserving of serious respect. Producing with Mirage partner Sydney Pollack since '00. Wrote that sublime narration heard at very beginning of THE QUIET AMERICAN. A gentleman.

57. Hayao Miyazaki (director-animator). Credits: SPIRITED AWAY. A lot of people admire him and want to be in bed with him on his next animated film, if for nothing else than the prestige factor. In the end, coolness doesn't know from geography.

58. Julianne Moore (actress). Credits: LAWS OF ATTRACTION, WITHOUT APPARENT MOTIVE, MARIE AND BRUCE, FAR FROM HEAVEN, THE HOURS.

59. Jonathan Mostow (director, writer -- TERMINATOR 3: THE RISE OF THE MACHINES). Craftsman extraordinaire, temperate fellow, top-notch.

60. Dennis Muren and the other "geniuses" at Industrial Light and Magic who regularly churn out some of the best visual effects in movies today. "The secret hero of the STAR WARS movies." -- Youngish production exec. Secret? In '99 Muren became the first special-effects whiz to be honored with a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame.

61. Don Murphy (producer). Credits: THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, PERMANENT MIDNIGHT, the forthcoming BIBLIONAUTS (about two kids who stumble upon a device invented by an eccentric scientist that enables them to be transported into great works of fiction). Not exactly a mellow, serene, cosmic-flow type of guy...but mellow is over-rated. Was buying and adapting comic book properties way before they were cool. "The industry's point man for the geek Zeitgeist," says L.A. WEEKLY's Paul Cullum.

62. Sandra Nettlebeck (director-writer -- MOSTLY MARTHA). Crafted one of the best personal-growth female dramas in recent years, and in so doing inspired two U.S. remakes. Larry Kasdan was reportedly planning to direct the U.S. remake of MARTHA in '04 sometime. Gary Marshall's RAISING HELEN (Disney - due in September '04) is also MARTHA-inspired.

63. Robert Newman (ICM agent for indie-style writers, directors -- Baz Luhrman, Danny Boyle, Jonathan Glazer, Joanthan Demme, etc). "Of the hundreds of agent jokes, not one applies to [Newman]," wrote Amy Wallace in a profile that ran in LOS ANGELES magazine early last year. "In a town of people who fake being interesting," says Newman's client Greg Berlanti, a writer-director, "he's the genuine article. He's like a fan. A fan that somebody let into the club."

64. Jack Nicholson (actor) Credits: SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE, ANGER MANAGEMENT, ABOUT SCHMIDT, THE PLEDGE. Legend has it that Nicholson buttonholed Academy members at parties last year and asked them to vote for Adrien Brody's performance in THE PIANIST over his own in ABOUT SCHMIDT...as a favor to his old homie Roman Polanski. Nothin' but class.

65. Chris Nolan (director-writer). Credits: INSOMNIA, MEMENTO. Now working on (God save us) a new BATMAN film. After this comes THE EXEC, a futuristic chiller he co-penned with brother Jonathan, who wrote the short story that became the basis for MEMENTO.

66. Philip Noyce (director). Credits: THE QUIET AMERICAN, RABBIT PROOF FENCE, CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER; presently working on an adaptation of Phillip Roth's AMERICAN PASTORAL. Respected for bailing out of highly-paid, big-studio rut and returning to indie roots, and making excellent films in the process.

67. Alexander Payne (director-writer). Credits: ABOUT SCHMIDT, ELECTION, the currently-in-production SIDEWAYS (strange comedy about oddball couple taking a tour of California's wine country, with AMERICAN SPLENDOR's Paul Giamatti, Sandra Oh, Virginia Madsen).

68. Sean Penn (actor-director) Credits: MYSTIC RIVER, I AM SAM, DEAD MAN WALKING. Lock to win Best Actor Oscar in Feburary, and perhaps Hollywood's greatest contemporary actor. "In visiting Iraq he showed he cared more about the truth than what's quoted on Fox News." -- Joe Corey. Okay, but when Penn directs does everybody always have to suffer and die?

69. PDI -- the guys who did that wonderful digital animation work on SHREK. Upcoming credits: SHREK 2, MADAGASCAR, SHARK TALE, OVER THE HEDGE.

70. Brad Pitt (actor, 40ish-but-still-potent young girl magnet). Credits: TROY, soon-to-shoot OCEAN'S 12, SPY GAME, THE MEXICAN, FIGHT CLUB. He's only moderately cool, you're thinking? Not quite rock 'n' roll? Listen to Pitt's voice-over commentary on the Criterion DVD of SE7EN.

71. Roman Polanski (director). Credits: THE PIANIST, CHINATOWN, REPULSION. For obvious reasons. "Has celluloid in his bloodstream." -- Don Murphy, producer. After napping for two decades, Polanski delivered a film [in THE PIANIST] that exposed as much of himself as his actors, and hit the jackpot in the bargain.

72. Sydney Pollack (director-producer). Credits: (as director) TOOTSIE, RANDOM HEARTS, OUT OF AFRICA, THE FIRM, the upcoming THE INTERPRETER; (as producer) COLD MOUNTAIN, THE ASSUMPTION, LEATHERNECKS. Shrewd, seasoned pro who knows the game and the system cold. Anthony Mingella's producing partner, and about to get back into directing after a long hiatus. A straight shooter.

73. Parker Posey (actor) - "[She's] old hat, but Parker still has an extremely good batting average for the films she's in, regardless of whether she was the go factor behind them," a screenwriter comments.

74. Keri Putnam (HBO production exec under Colin Callender) -- "The one behind AMERICAN SPLENDOR and ELEPHANT, which won the big prize at two of the three most important film festivals in the world, Sundance and Cannes." -- Literary agent.

75. Dennis Quaid (actor - THE ALAMO, THE ROOKIE, FAR FROM HEAVEN) - "I've always loved him as both a leading man and a great actor, and felt that the studios have short-changed him for far too long. I'm pleased he's having more visibility now. He's one of those few actors people root for." -- director of a big Hollywood action flick who requested anonymity.

76. Bingham Ray (just-resigned president of United Artists - co-founded of October Films) Despite the dirty looks he passes out at film festivals and despite having once referred to yours truly as "the devil himself," Ray is one of the most committed and impassioned indie distribution execs anywhere. One of the stars of Peter Biskind's "Down and Dirty Pictures." Producer of CODE 46. Played "bartender" in a 1987 flick called SHOCKER (a.k.a., NO MORE MR. NICE GUY).

77. Peter Rice (president, Fox Searchlight). Credits: IN AMERICA, 28 DAY LATER. Cool exec, go-getter, hot career. Exudes an appropriately conservative manner befitting hot-shot studio exec...but behind-these-scenes passionate about films he wants to make and/or distribute.

78. Scott Rudin (producer). Credits: THE STEPFORD WIVES, A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES, THE LIFE AQUATIC, THE SCHOOL OF ROCK, THE HOURS, CHANGING LANES. Volcanically tempered, but a brilliant, tenacious, Tiffany-level producer. Only high-profile, quality-level guy working with Paramount Studios, a corporate outfit that has otherwise tarnished itself with bottom-line attitudes.

79. Gary Ross (director-writer) Credits: SEABISCUIT, PLEASANTVILLE. Seen as being perhaps a bit too pandering in his instincts, even if SEABISCUIT is enjoying heat as a possible Best Picture contender. Give him credit for pulling those great supporting perfs from William H. Macy and Chris Cooper, and a sturdy, sensitive one from Tobey Maguire.

80. James Schamus (Focus Features president/producer/screenwriter). Focus Features distributed LOST IN TRANSLATION, 21 GRAMS. Schamus, a longtime Ang Lee collaborator, wrote THE ICE STORM, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, EAT DRINK MAN WOMAN, etc. "Schamus wrote THE HULK? Banned for life!" -- Movie writer for major U.S. daily. "Loves the credit, loves the spotlight." -- publicist.

81. Bryan Singer (director, writer). Credits: X2, APT PUPIL, X MEN, THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Has built his directorial rep with tremendous visual pizzazz, yes, but known also for his lengthy, verbally dextrous flirtations with the darker side of human nature. "Solid peeps." -- Studio-based producer.

82. John Sloss (indie financier-executive producer / IndiGent Films). Credits: PIECES OF APRIL, TADPOLE, THE FOG OF WAR, FAR FROM HEAVEN. Slick, high-powered, go-for-broke New York attorney. Widely respected, neck deep in the shit.

83. Kevin Smith (writer, director, sometime actor, internet maven). Credits: JERSEY GIRL, DOGMA, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK, CHASING AMY, CLERKS, the upcoming RANGER DANGER AND THE DANGER RANGERS, FLETCH WON. Yes, I'm on the take, but does that mean the guy's rep isn't what it is? Who else seems to have a more established handle as the savviest, most commercial, and most satirically influential auteur-level filmmaker of the under-40 generation? (Please...I'm open to suggestions.) Bennifer casting in JERSEY GIRL seems unfortunate, but at least Jenny kicks it early on. Another leading player in Biskind's "Down and Dirty Pictures."

84. Steven Soderbergh (director-producer-writer). Credits: OCEAN'S 12, OCEAN'S 11, FULL FRONTAL, TRAFFIC, OUT OF SIGHT, THE LIMEY. Currently slumping, but respect is still strong. DISSENT: "He's overrated. Managed to make the only Julia Roberts movie in ten years to fizzle financially and it didn't even cost anything." - Studio-based producer. "Will he quit screwing with the color schemes in his films? I'm sick of having to explain to my mother that the TV set isn't out of whack." -- Joe Corey.

85. Steven Spielberg (director-producer). Credits: CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, MINORITY REPORT, A.I., SCHINDLER'S LIST, the upcoming TERMINAL and INDY 4. If you're as rich and powerful as Spielberg, and involved in hiring as many people as he is on a regular basis, people are going to call you "cool" and a "good guy" whether you are or not. Which isn't to diss or under-value his better films.

86. John Stockwell (writer-director). Credits: BLUE CRUSH, CRAZY/ BEAUTIFUL). A-1 with actors, knows how to bring out realism in performances. One of the smartest, hippest, most personable directors in the business.

87. Oliver Stone (director-writer - ALEXANDER, ANY GIVEN SUNDAY). "Always on the edge, out there ...and ALEXANDER yet to come." -- L.A. industry analyst. "The fact is that we're in the middle of America's McCarthy era revisited, and we need Stone and his ilk more than ever." -- owner of publicity company. "You think so? Addled, I say." -- Studio-based producer.

88. Quentin Tarantino (director-writer-actor). Credits: KILL BILL I & II, JACKIE BROWN. Gifted lazybones (some think BILLwas a huge kick), and a relentless party hound. Was it really necessary for BILL to be chopped in two and the two films to be opened four months apart? Will his next effort take ten years to deliver?

89. Billy Bob Thornton (actor-director). Credits: (actor) BAD SANTA, WAKING UP IN RENO, PRIMARY COLORS; (director) ALL THE PRETTY HORSES, SLING BLADE. Post-Angelina Jolie, he's surged with his SANTA performance- one of the funniest damned things any actor's ever done. What happened to the directing career?

90. Team Todd (producers Jennifer and Suzanne Todd). Credits: MEMENTO, HBO's IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK, BOILER ROOM, the Austin Powers films, the forthcoming ZOOM'S ACADEMY.

91. Robert Towne (screenwriter-director - WITHOUT LIMITS, PERSONAL BEST, TEQUILA SUNRISE) Towne's ASK THE DUST biopic about John Fante, expected to roll in early '04 in South Africa with Colin Farrell in the lead, may belie this legendary screenwriter's rep about having lapsed in recent years into a gun-for-hire status.

92. Christine Vachon (producer). Credits: John Waters' A DIRTY SHAME, PARTY MONSTER, THE COMPANY, GIRLS DON'T CRY, the upcoming I'M NOT THERE: SUPPOSITIONS ON A FILM CONCERNING DYLAN (from director Todd Haynes). If the film is about gay characters or a gay sensibility, or is being directed by a gay man or woman, and /or is in the lower-budget realm, chances are Vachon is the producer. She has this turf well covered, and always aligns herself with quality.

93. Ruth Vitale (co-president, Paramount Classics -- former president of Fine Line). Credits: exec producer on GUMMO, LOVE, VALOUR, COMPASSION!, Keith Gordon's MOTHER NIGHT. Currently championing Mike Hodges' I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD. The hippest, shrewdest, most unabashedly honest "dependent" distribution honcho I've ever encountered, bar none.

94. Larry and Andy Wachowski (writer-directors). Credits: THE MATRIX RELOADED, THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS, BOUND. Larry and Andy who...? The bloom is definitely off these two following the seismic disappointment that greeted the final two MATRIX flicks, but they're hip and gifted, and there's always the next act. And...well, Larry's happy...right?

95. Christopher Walken (actor). Credits: CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, STEPFORD WIVES, MAN ON FIRE, POOLHALL JUNKIES, GIGLI. A legend. The best in his class. Most vocally imitated actor in recent history.

96. Chris Wedge (honcho of Blue Sky, the award-winning animation studio). Credits: ICE AGE, TITAN A.E., FIGHT CLUB, THE SOPRANOS (i.e. the talking fish with Big Pussy's voice).

97. Peter Weir (director-writer). Credits: MASTER AND COMMANDER, his best film since Witness or Gallipoli (a tossup), DEAD POET'S SOCIETY, PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK, THE LAST WAVE. Admired by everyone. "Without fuss, Peter has always done his own thing, his way" - Philip Noyce.

98. Harvey Weinstein (co-chairman, Miramax Films) -- After all is said and done... unstoppable, unquenchable, undeniable....a major mover and gambler extraordinaire. "Where would we be without him?" - Phillip Noyce. DISSENT: "No -- bullies don't deserve [to be honored]." -- writer for U.S. daily.

99. Debra Zane (casting director). Recent credits: MATCHSTICK MEN, SEABISCUIT, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, FULL FRONTAL, ROAD TO PERDITION.

100. Terry Zwigoff (director) Credits: Bad Santa, Ghost World, Crumb, the forthcoming Art School Confidential. A late bloomer (in his mid 50s), but riding a sensibility that's at once funny, compassionate and deeply twisted.

Goldman's Non-Recovery

It turns out that Oscar-winning screenwriter William Goldman is another film lover who needs to develop "recovery skills." I admitted to the same malady in Wednesday's column.

In a recent piece about Oscar contenders in VARIETY, Goldman got into discussing the demerits of LOST IN TRANSLATION. He observes that as the film begins, Bill Murray's character "has just been in a movie where there is a fabulous vehicle chase, buses destroyed, explosions and, we find out, he did his own driving.

"Bill Murray is playing a famous ACTION STAR.

"Look, I started following him over a quarter-century ago, on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE and in the movies, from MEATBALLS on, and maybe in real life he can kick the crap out of Harrison Ford and maybe stripped he has pecs that make Arnold look flat-chested -- but I do not believe it, not for a New York minute.

"Murray is a comedy star. He's goofy and he fumbles, and the minute you try and shove this other persona at me, make me think he is the toughest guy on the planet, sorry, I do not go there.

"And I stopped, from this moment on, believing in this flick. And when belief goes, caring is right behind."

Doubting Thai

"'Recovery skills'...what is that, studio/critic jargon for making excuses for bad plot lines or directorial decisions?

"This particular skill seems to be only for the benefit of internal industry recognition and awards.

"Aren't the consumers of movies the important aspect? It may be very naive of me to state it, because I don't believe it myself. Movies are not 'for the people.' We are only expected to go pay to see them, restrain ourselves in buying bootleg DVD's, buy as much merchandising crap as possible, consume the tie-in food promotions and buy the 4 different DVD releases before we get to the super-anniversary, directors-cut edition.

"You wrote, 'If my recovery skills were more developed, I would find a way to spot the pothole coming and drive around it or fill it in with my own imaginative gravel...something.' Why should this be necessary?" -- Paulus, Thailand.

Wells to Paulus: Yo, dawg...where in Thailand? Know any drug dealers hiding out from the law? Any beautiful female archeologists (blonde, British) in their late 20s hanging around in cafes?

"I am also lacking in said recovery skills. I did enjoy FINDING NEMO but had prroblems with the bad little' niece, mostly because she was portrayed as being around six years old yet had a full mouthful of braces. What dentist is going to do that?" -- Alison Thomas

Passion Satirist Speaks

"I came up with the idea [for the mock trailer] and whipped it together in one night in mid-December. I tried to post it on Ain't It Cool talkbacks and such, but only one or two people responded. Dave Poland posted it, and I think that helped circulate it a bit more. In any case, it's for a very specific audience who definitely understand the intentions. I've had some Jesus freaks who have told me I'm going to hell, but it's a commentary on THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, and not religion. I do hope Mel Gibson eventually sees it. Thanks again for everything, and tell Kevin I'm a big fan." -- Spencer Somers, NYU, New York.

Wells to Somers: Now that you mention it, have you considered the option of going to the nearest church, throwing yourself on the stone floor and begging the Lord for forgiveness?

Open Water

"As an associate of the Hamptons Film Festival this past summer, I watched OPEN WATER at home, and was totally riveted by it. I gave it a thumbs up and was happy to see it was selected by the programmer Rajendra Roy. That might be where you heard that it played in 2003. This festival unfolds in October.

"I know for a fact, as I was instrumental in making it happen, that a well known woman from a well-known distribution company seemed interested in it, and spoke with the rep on the East Hampton sidewalk after I pointed said woman out to said rep.

"Later in the week, I stood in the back of the theater where the film played for a second time. It was one of those shoeboxy theaters in a multiplex, and even there, standing in the back and knowing how it ended, I was riveted all over again. I can only imagine how it will play in the fairly large Prospector auditorium.

"I intend to be there, if I'm not working at my Sundance post at the same time. (I'm an outside assistant manager at a different venue.)" -- Bob Giovanelli, New Hyde Park, NY.

Grambo!

"I just wanted to drop you a quick line thanking you for the plug in [Wednesday's] column. Glad to hear that you are a fan of the site (www.whatevs.org) and I really do believe that The Movie Club would be much livlier had they chosen to include you in the mix. I've always been a fan of your take on stuff. You've got a deft touch and have done a remarkable job maintaining the tricky balance in your perch as an insider who's actually an outsider." -- Mark Graham, a.k.a. , "Uncle Grambo"

Coinage

"Who's the 'movie writer for a major daily' who called THE HULK 'pretentious, portentous, endless, clueless ...ZABRISKIE POINTLESS'? That's one of best terms I've ever heard for a ponderous, pretentious movie. It works on it own somewhat, but works soooo much better if you're a film history buff. Dennis Miller circa 1992 couldn't have said it any better. Who was the writer?" -- Richard Huffman, Seattle.

Wells to Huffman: Andy Seiler of USA TODAY.

Flying Heads

"You wondered aloud in your review of RETURN OF THE KING if the catapulting of the severed heads of P.O.W.'s into the enemy city by the Orc army was an invention of director Peter Jackson or of J.R.R. Tolkien. Believe it or not, despite Jackson's past-life as a horror auteur, this particular example of psychological warfare is straight from Tolkien.

"In fact, a decent number of hardcore fans have frequently taken Jackson to tasks for sanitizing some of the author's more gruesome concepts: Remember the super orcs Christopher Lee cooked up in the first two films? Jackson's film has them hatching full-grown out of pods in the mud, but Tolkien intimated that they were the bred via the 'forced mating' of normal orcs and humans. Ick." -- Resident of Stubenville, Ohio -- Dean Martin's home town!

Persistent Disdain

"Being a faithful reader of your column I have no doubt sat through many a RINGS-bashing paragraph. I can't recall in recent memory any writer that has had such a hard case against a film. Your latest diatribe against RETURN OF THE KING has finally prompted me to speak up.

"It all came down your statement in favor of MYSTIC RIVER taking the trophy over ROTK. In it you said, 'We all know it's not a great film, but it's an extremely well-made one, and it wouldn't be remotely shameful if it won.'

"Say what? That's kind of a cop-out statement, eh? Couldn't that same logic apply to RETURN OF THE KING? If you do really feel that way about MYSTIC RIVER then why not give the Oscar to a 'great' film rather than a 'well made' one? In comparison to tone and subject matter, 21 GRAMS is a superior film to MYSTIC RIVER on all fronts. Obviously I'm pulling for Jackson and King simply for the sheer audacity of the entire undertaking. Whereas Clint played it relatively safe, albeit darkly, RETURN OF THE KING is the closing chapter of one the ballsiest, genre defining, benchmark trilogy of films to come along in 20 years." -- Jeff Wright