By Matt Singer
March 5, 2003
If you read ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, and picked up the current issue on stands (“Buffy Quits” is the cover story), you might have noticed some jackass named Matt Singer, with my name and e-mail address, writing some nonsense about some stupid SIMPSONS episode he likes that the magazine didn’t mention. Honestly, don’t these dorks have something better to do with their time?
All right so it was me, but I’m not proud of it! All right, so I am proud of it, but I’m not proud that I’m proud of it!
Before we get started this week, I just wanted to mention that this week on The Movie Board, we are giving away two copies of the new “The Osbournes” Season 1 DVD. Like our little haiku contest, you’ve got to be a little creative to win, so if you’re interested, you can click HERE to get the full scoop.
THE GOOD
THE SHINING (1980)
Starring Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
Rated R, 146 minutes
Available on VHS & DVD
My friend had this weird roommate at school. He had a tendency to curse and mutter under his breath, make unusual comments, and sleep rarely, if at all. One day, the whiteboard outside my friend’s room had the word “REDRUM” scrawled on it in red marker. Eventually, Weird Roommate admitted he had written it. His behavior seemed so weird, I used to tease the guy about it. My friend was really freaked out and wiped the word off his board, but it came back, and kept coming back every time it was removed. I didn’t understand what he was so spooked about. “Haven’t you ever seen THE SHINING?” someone asked when I explained the situation. “Nope,” I replied. “Ohhhhhh....” they said with a look that suggested they were ashamed of me. After seeing THE SHINING, I now realize how close to death I truly was.
If you have never seen THE SHINING, and are a little slow, Jack Nicholson’s character is not named Johnny, it’s Jack Torrance, a former school teacher and writer, who accepts a position as the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel, a Colorado resort so remote that its completely abandoned during the winter when snow makes travel in the area nearly impossible (The snowed-in elements are a lot creepier when you watch the movie, like I did, after you’ve just sat through a huge blizzard). Jack likes the idea of the solitude, it’ll help him write, but he learns the post carries some dangers. In 1970, a caretaker named Grady murdered his family then committed suicide. But for something like that to happen twice would just be an almost impossible coincidence right?
Jack brings his wife Wendy (Shelly Duvall) and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) to the Overlook. Everything seems so beautiful: huge halls, high ceilings, grand windows with bright shafts of light. No one even bothers to question the rumors that the Overlook was built on ancient Indian burial grounds - which wise moviegoers know as the worst place to spend any extended period of time in a horror film.
But we already know that Danny, who has a strange glint in his eye and talks to an imaginary friend named Tony, had his arm dislocated by Jack in a drunken rage. Before they even go to the Hotel, Danny has a disturbing vision, of a wave of blood rushing out of the elevators of the Overlook, and some very unusual-looking twin girls. So even though Jack has gone sober and there’s no alcohol left in the Overlook, the creepiness seeps in almost immediately, subtly at first, so that the Torrances can maintain their chipper attitudes, but soon the danger becomes more obvious. Overcome by writer’s block, Jack quickly grows depressed and distant. Soon he’s not sleeping and Wendy has to take over his responsibilities as caretaker. Meanwhile Danny’s visions have intensified and the twins are now talking to him; that is, when they are not appearing before him as hacked-up corpses.
Nearly all the themes of THE SHINING - isolation, faulty perception, the fine line between sane and insane - are things that scare all of us. If we consider being in the position of Jack, losing one’s mind seems frighteningly possible, even without the aid of supernatural forces. A director of limited abilities could make this into a very scary movie, so consider what happens when you give this material to Stanley Kubrick, one of the most skilled directors in history. The result is a horror movie with brains and almost unrivaled technical proficiency. Its use of sound is particularly noteworthy; naysaysers from the 1920s who claimed sound would ruin the pure art of film and make its creators lazy would find their argument rebuffed by THE SHINING, which presents endlessly inventive uses for its soundtrack, stoking the audiences fear and maintaining mood. The most ingenious moment comes soon after The Torrances have moved into the Overlook. Jack’s been afflicted by his writer’s block. We view his unmanned typewriter in close up when a rhythmic BANG-BANG echoes on the soundtrack. We think it is some sort of artificial horror film sound stimulant, weird noises and effects meant to make us uneasy and alert us that something very scary is coming. The camera pulls back as the noise continues, finally revealing Jack harmlessly throwing a tennis ball against one of the walls of the huge room he’s in; the bouncing in the cavernous hall creating the unnatural noise. Nothing’s wrong, the brief scene merely portrays a bored man killing time, and yet we sense something very terrible is coming because of some realistic sounds coordinated with clever camera movements.
I had some problems with the gaps of logic in THE SHINING - like a character escaping the hotel only to run back into it a few seconds later - until I came to wonder if the entire film was structured like a nightmare. A lot of the picture reminds me of the logic of dreams, the way people can go from good to bad so quickly, and actions that seemed so innocent, suddenly turn terrifying. The camera frequently follows characters like a malevolent force over their shoulder, as they travel the corridors of the Overlook, or spins in front of them, providing a path for them to follow as if there is no escaping the bloody destiny at the film’s conclusion. Kubrick fans typically cite 2001 or DR. STRANGELOVE as their favorite of his films, but THE SHINING affected me in a way that those did not. It took me to a place where I was completely involved in the movie - not to mention spooked out of my head - yet constantly aware of the cinematic expertise on display. Classy and creepy. And a practical warning too; try to stay away from those Weird Roommates who like to write REDRUM on everything.
IF YOU LIKED “THE SHINING,” CHECK OUT: ABOUT SCHMIDT (2002), because I can’t believe this movie did not get a Best Picture nomination. Really, go see this movie.
THE BAD
HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING
Starring Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery
Directed by Russell Mulcahy
Rated R, 91 minutes (Theatrical cut) / 109 minutes (“Renegade” Cut)
Available on VHS & DVD
For lazy continuity, unfollowable sequels, and plain old crumminess, the HIGHLANDER series of films cannot be beaten. The first HIGHLANDER, from 1986, was a fun if unremarkable movie about a bunch of immortals with an uncontrollable urge to beat the living hell out of each other. The entire premise was predicated on one simple, memorable catchphrase: “There can be only one.” At the end of the first film, Christopher Lambert’s Connor MacLeod killed Kurgan to become THE one (Apparently THE MATRIX stole from more than just comics). In the process, MacLeod gained “The Prize”; becoming one with nature - which I always assumed he would use to predict PowerBall numbers - and regaining his mortality which is kind of a lame prize for being the best guy at not dying, wouldn’t you say? So if he’s the last Highlander, and he’s not even a Highlander anymore, then that’s it right? Nope; in the years since, there have been three sequels, a television series, and a cartoon! How in the world do you do a children’s cartoon about people who chop each other’s heads off? While we’re at it, let’s make a cartoon of G-String Divas!
The first in the series of unnecessary HIGHLANDER sequels was HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING, a film so bad it is no longer available in its original theatrical cut. Instead, the director, so dissatisfied with the original that he walked out on the premiere, recut the film, adding about twenty minutes of footage and dubbing it “The Renegade Version.” Naturally, as a film purist I insisted on seeing a film so bad it had been deemed a public health risk by Mr. Russell Mulcahy so I hunted down a copy. My unedited initial reaction was, as follows:
“END! PLEASE! END NOW! JUST GIVE IT UP! END ALREADY!”
Throwing caution and the first movie to the wind, Mulcahy and his small legion of screenwriters decide that the race of Highlanders are, in fact, aliens, and not the earthbound race as was originally believed. Apparently, MacLeod simply forgot he was an alien until about thirty years after his final battle, when as the smartest, richest, most bored man on Earth he hears voices in his head shouting “Remember MacLeod!” Once assured he hasn’t left his iron on, being an alien is the only other option.
The year is 2025, and an old decrepit Connor MacLeod is responsible for saving the earth, by replacing the depleted ozone layer with a huge piece of multicolored taffy, but as a result made it permanently night time. Back on MacLeod’s Scottish home planet of Zeist, the aliens are pissed that he’s having such a swinging time down on Earth, so they teleport here and fight him. Naturally the 75 year old man overpowers and humiliates the agile aliens, even dismembering one with a large wire - which somehow pushes the alien’s head off his neck - and regains his youth thanks to The Quickening, the power released when a Highlander is beheaded.
Now suddenly, with immortals (actually aliens who are only immortal when they are on Earth) back on the planet, MacLeod has his powers and youth back, a disappointing fact since as old MacLeod’s face appeared to be melting off his skull and he talked like he was on a respirator. As a young guy, he just has a receding hairline an accent like Ren from REN & STIMPY (“Connery, you EEEEDIOT!”). So the immortal aliens, who are immortal only while they are on earth, and mortal on Zeist, until they come to Earth where they become immortal but become compelled to fight to the death until one chops the other’s head off, but not on holy ground, even though they are aliens who do not believe in Earth religions, decide MacLeod needs to be killed. Thankfully, MacLeod has help in the form of Connery, who plays Ramirez, an Egyptian guy from Spain who talks in a Scottish accent. Now Ramirez was killed in the first movie, but by merely saying his name, he returns. This whole immortal on earth until head is chopped off rule is not all that hard and fast.
I realize “The Renegade Version” explains the story, and smooths out some of the weirder parts of HIGHLANDER 2, but at this point having to watch a longer version of HIGHLANDER 2 would be like taking a needle that I already embedded in my eye and shoving it just a little bit deeper. Why more torture? This is enough. Suggested new tagline: “There should have been only one.”
INSTEAD OF “HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING,” CHECK OUT: HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME (2000), because things only got worse from Part 2. In Part 4, the “immortal” MacLeod not only looks twenty years older, he looks older in the past too! Ah unnecessary sequels; truly you are a harsh mistress.
THE UGLY
ED (1996)
Starring Matt LeBlanc, several small men in monkey costumes
Directed by Bill Couturie
Rated PG, 94 minutes
Available on VHS
In this history of the monkeys-playing-baseball genre, there is one landmark film, glistening in the sun like a puddle of dirty water, and that film is ED, in which Matt LeBlanc proves you can take the friend out of FRIENDS but you can’t take the monkey out of a movie about monkeys. Truly, this peculiarly unfunny comedy reminds me of that old Huey Lewis song: “Sometimes bad is bad.” True, but in this case, bad is ugly.
LeBlanc’s character is named Jack “Deuce” Cooper. He can throw - no exaggeration - 125 mile an hour fastballs. Thus, he has never played baseball on any team, and is a completely unknown talent when he discovered by the minor league Rockets and their manager Chubb (Jack Warden, last seen in GBU in Carrot Top’s CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD). Even though Cooper can throw 125 mph fastballs, his coaches insist he throw poor curveballs. When Cooper’s curveball throwing ways keep the team and attendance in the toilet, ownership does what any desperate corporate entity does: hire a chimpanzee to fix the problem.
The problem-solving monkey initially arrives to become the team’s mascot, though it is never explained why a team named the Rockets would need a monkey for a mascot. Allegedly, this monkey came from the estate of Mickey Mantle, the first indication of foul play in this ludicrous movie. If there was a hyper-intelligent monkey out there, and it wasn’t in the custody of the government or the guy from CONGO, wouldn’t it logically have to come from the estate of Michael Jackson, where the ability to share a bed with a grown man and handle balls would come in handy?
Ed immediately displays a superhuman ability to field grounders and throw baseballs so fast they not only go right through fielders’ gloves, they actually ignite the glove into flames. My instincts suggest that a guy who could throw fireballs would be a danger to his teammates, and uncatchable throws a surefire route to costly errors, but Ed is immediately given a uniform and a last name - since putting “Ed” on the back of a baseball-playing monkey’s jersey would just be silly - and before you can say “HE’S A DAMN MONKEY YOU IDIOTS!” Ed is winning games single-handedly and drawing in the crowds. Oh marvelous, awe-inspiring joy.
There is always something on-screen to mock during ED. There’s LeBlanc, trying his darndest to be likable while shouting, “He’s not an animal Chubb, he’s a ballplayer!” There’s the ubiquitous love interest for Cooper, who emasculates him when he doesn’t commit numerous felonies in the name of his buddy Ed, leaves her child in the custody of a monkey so she can go out on a date, and even lets the monkey drive her daughter around in a car! The whole movie is made worse by the fact that Ed is so clearly not a real monkey, it’s a guy in a monkey suit. And while some of the puppetry is rather impressive, we never once believe we are watching a real monkey. Even if I buy a monkey can get along with humans without throwing its poop or delicing every warm body in the room, I can’t buy that he can hum the melody of the Star Spangled Banner. And even if I buy that, I refuse to accept that he pees in the toilet. And if you somehow convince me of that, I still cannot believe that a monkey can understand the tedious and complex rules of baseball. I know functioning, successful humans whose eyes glaze over when you talk about the Infield Fly Rule or the Double Switch. Ed takes it all in monkey stride.
I initially was going to put ED in the bad category, simply because I have a problem recommending on any level something this awful. But I have to admit, with a good deal of remorse, that I laughed frequently, with a mixture of scorn, confusion, and one time, disturbingly, eroticism. The ugly label has come to stand for the unexplainable, those movies that transcend their stupidity and move beyond simple divisions of good and bad. That description certainly applies to ED. No one could explain it, and no one should try. Sometimes, bad is bad.
IF YOU LIKED “ED,” CHECK OUT: EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE (1978), in which Clint Eastwood teams up with a monkey. You know when they were pitching LeBlanc ED someone had to go, “C’mon Matt! It’ll be your EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE!” I haven’t seen it, but I have heard that as buddy monkey movies go, it is top notch.
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