By Ken Cuperus
THE COMIC BOOK SPECIALTY SHOP: A JOURNEY
With comic book awareness and popularity on the rise again (for the first time since 1877), it only makes sense that new specialty shops will begin to crop up, faster than D.A.R.Y.L. can finish a game of 'Pole Position!' (Hoo-Ha! How's that for an obscure reference, dear readers?) And at some point in the journey of a new comics reader, they may find themselves with the unsavory task of entering one of these establishments to find a funnybook that perhaps the local 7-11 has overlooked. (It doesn't seem possible...but it has happened) This may sound like an intimidating proposal to some of you newcomers...after all, the specialty stores have built up quite a reputation over the years. Of course we all know that the very first of these specialty stores, known to the locals as the "DRAGONPELT COMIC POST AND TOBACCONIST" opened on the banks of the Hudson Bay, back in 1767. It was a dingy little dirt-floored shack that eventually inspired the growth of thousands of dingy little dirt-floored shacks throughout the rest of Canada, and eventually the US. Even today we see the lingering effects that the pioneers (literally!) of the comic book specialty store began all those years ago. Sure, the dirt-floors are gone (well...mostly), but the new, modern breed of store-owners really took the concept of "dinginess" and ran with it. When venturing into such a place, it's best to be aware of the rules and regulations...to make sure that you aren't immediately spotted as an "outsider" and burned at the stake! (A practice which was outlawed in the early part of the nineteenth Century, but reinstated back in 1987.)
Luckily for you, while cleaning out my attic, I found an old trunk filled with trade magazines...and one in particular had a lengthy and informative article that outlined the exact nature of the beast in question. Perhaps after reading this piece, the World of Comic Book Specialty Stores will seem less daunting to you and your family.
The Magazine in question is one that most of you have probably come across at some point in your travels. It's called, "The Comic Book Magazine Pamphlet Trade Digest," which ran for 128 issues from 1977 - 1989. PART ONE of the article we'll be looking at can be found in the Oct. 1983 Edition (listed as Vol. 1 number 54, but technically it was number 53, as the 15th issue was never printed due to a warehouse fire that destroyed all known copies). The article is printed here, as it originally appeared...including all spelling and grammatical errors. Enjoy.
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ETIQUETTE AND THE ART OF THE COMIC BOOK SPECIALTY STORE: PART ONE
Written and researched by: K.Q. PARIS
The following is an extensive survival guide for the first-time visitor to a comic book specialty shop. These tips may help you to avoid traps, but keep in mind that, like snowflakes, no two Specialty Stores are exactly the same...unless, like snowflakes, they are a franchise. This chart should only be used as a guideline...and not as canon. Remember there are exceptions to every rule! (except, perhaps, that one rule about not killing your neighbour over a fence-painting dispute...that one should probably be set in stone. For my neighbours' own protection!) This article is only meant as a primer, to get you started down the road to safe comic book specialty shop exposure...in the end, it's up to you just how far you want to go. Enjoy your journey!
1. FINDING AND IDENTIFYING A COMIC BOOK SPECIALTY SHOP:
Of course, it stands to reason that before you can brave the trip into a specialty store, you will first need to find one. This alone is a task for only the most steadfastly determined readers, and has, in the past, proved too much for many a weary fan. Here's a few tips on how to correctly identify your destination. First of all, be on the lookout for other stores that are often found in the same neighbourhoods. A comic book specialty store can often be identified by the company it keeps. It will often be found sandwiched between an ALTERNATIVE RECORD STORE, and a HEAD SHOP. Another sure sign that you have located a specialty store, is the inclusion of a DOWNWARD STAIRCASE. Specialty stores of the comic variety are almost always located in a basement. The deeper into the Earth a store can get, the better it is for the long-term condition of a comic book. Everyone knows that sunlight can be damaging to a comic book, and even more damaging to the comic shop retailer himself, who's pasty white skin would probably burst into flame upon even the slightest exposure. The further away from the sun you get...the more comic specialty shops you will find. There are some stores in Alaska that only open for the three weeks in the Winter when the sun never rises. This is known in some comic-retailing circles as "Prime Real-Estate."
Okay, assuming you have been able to locate what you think might be a comic book specialty shop, the next step is to confirm your suspicions. This is done by finding, and reading the name of the store off of what will probably be an old piece of driftwood, or a metal garbage can lid that has been doctored up to resemble a mock shield. It is quite common for a comic book shop to use the word "COMIC" somewhere in the name of the shop (making for easy identification), but sadly, this is not always the case. Comic specialty shops often have names meant to confuse, and dissuade the non-true believers from entering their sacred shrines. Look for the names of obscure characters from sci-fi literature, mythological creatures, or even thinly veiled vampire references. Also, the comic shop almost never refers to itself as anything so mundane as a simple 'store,' or 'shop.' It will most likely be called something like a 'DEN' or a 'CAVE' or even a 'CASTLE.' For example, some possible specialty store names would be: THE CYCLOPS' PARLOUR; THE BLOODY FANG SANCTUARY; or the overused "GAAL DORNICK'S GALACTIC BUODOIR." Comic book specialty shops are very clever.
You are now so very close to entering into the Fantastical World of the comic book specialty store. But you're not inside YET! Don't bother trying to peak in the window first...it is entirely blocked by posters of comic book characters, that are completely unrecognizable thanks to twenty years worth of sun-bleaching. One of them might be THE HULK...but it's hard to say. Ready to take the plunge? First...try the door. Is it locked? Better check your watch. It is probably earlier than Noon, or later than 4:30PM. Be patient. Comic book specialty stores keep what are known as "BANKER'S HOURS." Of course, if a professional Banker decided to actually keep these hours, he would most likely be fired on the spot. (or, if not 'the spot' then at least somewhere near the spot.) This does not hold true for the specialty-shop retailer, because, he, essentially, is his own Boss. Although he generally prefers the term 'Over-Lord of the Realm.' Bankers tend to shy away from Comic Book specialty shops, because they are jealous.
If it is between the outlined hours but the doors are still locked, then you have probably come during a Holiday. Specialty Stores operate under a different Holiday system then the rest of the known World...and even have additional Holidays that were created solely for them, such as: SUPERMAN DAY, MAGEFIRE TOURNAMENT DAY, SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON DAY (a three- day festival of lights!), and of course, MONDAY. (This is a strict religious Holiday for all specialty store owners. They tend to keep the specifics to themselves, but I understand that it has something to do with SOLOMON GRUNDY.)
If you turn the handle, and the door begins to open a little, but not all the way...simply push harder. The door has been 'fixed' so that children can not get inside. This is for their own safety, as the comic book specialty store is no place for a child. Better make sure you are old enough to qualify, before you enter! In a comic book specialty store, anyone under the age of 28 is considered a child, and will be denied admittance. If you are old enough to proceed, then shove the door with all the might of THOR (a popular comic book character) and STEP INSIDE...
2. INSIDE THE COMIC BOOK SPECIALTY SHOP: FIRST CONTACT!
You can't see! Don't panic. Give your eyes a moment to adjust to the blinding darkness. (The only thing worse than sunlight for a comic book...is any other form of existing light.) While you wait, lets go through a brief checklist of DO'S and DONT'S for the specialty shop first-timer:
DO - Be respectful of your peers within the shop. Like you, they do not like to be looked down upon, or patronized...unless it is by the retailer, who has the right to hurl insults at customers as he sees fit. After all, they don't call him Over-Lord for nothing.
DO - Be sure to have all the information you need memorized before making the trek to your local comic book specialty shop. Comic shop retailers have no time for answering your questions. They are far too busy opening various card packages in order to build 'full sets.' This is painstaking, delicate work, and the slightest distraction can result in disaster. I once got a card set with TWO CAPTAIN BOOMERANGS but missing a MIRROR MASTER altogether. It wasn't pretty, and it could easily have been avoided by simply allowing the comic shop retailer to do his job, and not burdening him with your problems.
DON'T - Be a female! The only thing more frowned upon then being a child in a specialty store, is being a girl. There is nothing for you here. If you are a girl, and you find yourself in a situation where you have somehow stumbled into a comic book specialty shop...for the love of the Gods in Olympus, get out of there! You are not safe! You will be leered at. You will be mocked. You will cause wide spread panic among the regulars...most of who have never seen an actual member of the opposite sex. If, however, you are the type of foolish girl who insists on crashing the party...then I suggest you pull a YENTL (which is currently doing Gangbusters at the box office) so that you can move about freely, and undetected. Be careful though, because...(spoiler warning)...even Yentl gets found out at the end, causing much heartache for all involved.
As the interior of the specialty shop begins to take shape, take a moment to glance around and get your bearings. You will soon see that the specialty shop is a hustling, bustling community, that includes a wide variety of different people (all Male), each playing an important, yet diverse role. Lets examine some of the people you may find yourself interacting with along the way:
THE COMIC SHOP RETAILER:
The first person you will likely see is the man standing behind a raised counter. The counter is high enough that the man can see the entire store from his perch. Right now he will be no doubt staring directly at you, forming an opinion. This man is probably quite heavy-set, and probably sports a thick, greasy beard. Don't be surprised if there are small white flecks in the retailer's beard. This could be one of two things: Dandruff...or parmesan cheese. Most likely the latter, as Retailers and 'pizza by the slice' tend to go hand in hand. Retailers are known to have trouble stopping at just one slice. Part of the retailer's job has to do with the preorder of comic books. As in, if you ask him to preorder a comic, his job is to laugh at you. He is very good at his job. There will probably be a Commodore 64 computer on the desk next to the retailer, as this is an important tool in filing and locating the back-issue comic stock...at least it would be if the computer still worked. Now it's primary function seems to be using the monitor screen as a place to tape up some particularly rousing MOTHER GOOSE AND GRIMM comic strips, cut from the newspaper.
THE GAMER:
Off to the side, there will be a small card table set up, with several heavy-set middle aged Men sitting around it. There will be enough dice on the table to give Vegas a run for its money. Some of these dice can have upwards of 450 sides; others have as few as 80. One of the peculiar adults will be half-hidden behind a folded cardboard screen, at the end of the table. Although he is hidden, the others at the table seem to know that he is there, since they are looking in his direction with looks of frozen anticipation. The man behind the screen is too busy studying a chart of some kind to notice. This man is known as the DM or DUNGEON MASTER. The others at the table are called PCs or PLAYER CHARACTERS. The basic premise of ROLEPLAYING is for players to invent characters (imagining themselves in the roles they create) so that the DM can send them on a magical QUEST that he cleverly makes up as he goes along. (The magical part is that this quest does not involve moving from the actual table...which, judging by the combined weight of the participants, is the main attraction of the game) These Men spend hours, if not days, exploring imaginary dungeons, attacking imaginary monsters, and hanging out at imaginary taverns. None of these Men have girlfriends...imaginary or otherwise.
THE SPECULATOR:
There is a man hovering over the back issue bin (also known as a 'black hole' to industry insiders), hauling out a large stack of DOCTOR STRANGE comics, in multiples, if possible. If you asked this Man what Doctor Strange's powers are, he would have no clue what you were talking about. For all he cares, Doctor Strange is a Podiatrist from Wyoming. So why is this Man suddenly interested in Doctor Strange? Because he is a speculator, and has heard or read somewhere that Doctor Strange comics are about to skyrocket in value. Perhaps he has heard that BARON MORDO is the hottest new character find of the year? Or perhaps he's heard that writer CHRIS CLAREMONT will be the next STAN LEE? We may never know, as speculators tend to keep tight-lipped about their sources. Except when their insider information proves to be a costly mistake; then they are happy to point fingers. Some people say that speculators will eventually bring about the death of the industry, by creating an oversaturation of mediocre products in the marketplace. Retailers, however, think speculators are the Cat's Meow, since they are the only people who have bought anything from the back-issue bins in the past 12 years.
THE SNOB:
Check out the Dude with the goatee lurking in the shadows, near the alternative comics. It is 80 degrees outside, yet he is wearing a black turtle neck, and a beret. You nod to him in a friendly manner, but he merely sniffs indignantly in your direction, and looks away. Does he sniff at you because he has a cold? No, he sniffs at you because he is a classic comics snob, whose sole purpose in life is to hate you, and your taste in comics. No matter what comic you take from the shelf will earn you a scornful look, because it will not be sophisticated enough for his snobbish sensibilities. Even a comic called "Sophisticated Snobbery" wouldn't earn a second glance from most snobs. Super-Hero comics are the lowest form of insulting filth in the minds of the comics snob, and if they were to accidentally read one, their heads would surely explode. But they would explode in an indignant manner.
Now that your eyes have properly adjusted, and you've had a chance to scope the layout (perhaps even map a mental route through the pell-mell stacks of long boxes?), it's time to make your way into the store proper. But, remember, once you pass this threshold, there's no going back...
TO BE CONTINUED!
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Well there you have it, kids. PART ONE in a series that examines the inner workings of the comic book specialty shop culture. (It's funny how little has changed in the past twenty years, isn't it?) It should be noted that strangely, and without explanation, PART TWO of this article wasn't published until several issues later, and in a completely different magazine. I can't remember the name of the publication off the top of my head (or any part of my head, for that matter) but I'll dig through my extensive collection of Industry Magazines, in hopes of locating the elusive second half. If I'm unsuccessful, perhaps one of you astute readers has a copy that you could send my way? My fingers are crossed that it will turn up in time for next week's column. See ya then!
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