By Ken Cuperus
November 6, 2002
IT'S GOOD TO BE BAD!
I have a confession to make. Like all humans I have my odd quirks and
perversions, and today I'm going to share my secret shame with you, dear
readers, in hopes of finally making peace with my inner Ken. Here goes
nothing... I, Ken Cuperus... (Boy, this is harder than I thought it would
be. Bear with me.) TAKES DEEP BREATH... I, Ken Cuperus, really
enjoy reading bad comics! There. I said it...and more importantly,
I mean it. Don't get me wrong though, I still prefer reading really
GOOD comics. But when I read a comic that is so glaringly awful that it
should probably have never reached the shelf, it triggers something inside
me that says "Yes...I enjoyed that immensely." That something is probably
my brain, but hey, I'm not a doctor...it could be my spleen for all I know
about talking organs. Anyways, reading a bad comic is entertaining to me in
a MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 kind of way...I sit back and add my
own inner commentary (some of it quite brilliant, I must admit) as I flip
through the pages. Then I laugh and laugh. Then my wife threatens to leave
me if I keep up the "crazy routine." Yup...It's all good.
Unfortunately not all comics fall into the "good" or "bad" categories,
instead landing somewhere in the middle. Mediocre comics. These are the
ones that make me angry. Unfortunately it's also where most mainstream
books lie...but that's a column for another day. Today we celebrate the
books that are so bad they're good! Join me now, won't you, as I take a
look into the trash bin of recent releases to bring you the best of the
worst...
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chances are you won't agree with my picks. In fact you
may feel downright insulted by my picks as you... a) admire the creators of
said books. Or b) ARE the creators of said books. Well, in the spirit of
diversity among fans, know that I understand your difference in taste, and
respect you and your opinions...no matter how wrong and misguided they may
be. Also, please feel free to send me money. Lots of it. That is all.]
IRON MAN: (MARVEL)
First a little ditty to set the mood: Iron Man, Iron Man...does whatever
an iron can. Presses shirts without a doubt......gets even the toughest
wrinkles out...Look out!...Here comes the Iron Man!
[NOTE: I'm sure you've all figured this out by now, but for those few of
you that haven't...This little ditty is, of course, set to the tune of
SLOOP JOHN B, by the BEACH BOYS. The lyrics were written by a
very close, dear friend of mine, and although I thought they were foolish,
and (to be brutally honest) amateurish, I decided to display them here
anyways. Also he's 5.]
Well, that was a nice little divergence, but let's get down to business. Iron
Man is an awful comic...and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Really.
Back when KURT BUSIEK was the writer, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't
great, which dropped it completely off my radar. It wasn't until JOE
QUESADA took a stab at it that things truly started going delightfully
downhill. After Quesada's initial arc (wherein the super-techno armor was
hit by lightning and came to life. Heh. Awesome.) in which every issue
served as 21 pages of springboard to lead up to a "shocking"
cliff-hanger...things really got interesting. Quesada stayed on board for
one more arc, and then was replaced with FRANK TIERI, who did
everything he could to make Iron Man the worst Marvel book on the
stands...and it worked! Of course, the art helped things along very nicely
as well. In true Manga style, Tony had a giant body with more muscles than
a Thai kitchen, combined with a head roughly the size of an ant's testicle.
And now current-scribe MIKE GRELL (whose take on GREEN ARROW
back in the `80s was quite well received, and still holds up these many
years later as one of the great runs of it's time) is experimenting with
levels of awfulness that have never before been attempted! In the current
storyline (cribbed from a memorable episode of STAR TREK: THE NEXT
GENERATION where the crew finds a 100-year-old version of Data's severed
head, and then go back in time to try and prevent it. (ahem) Not that I've
ever watched Star Trek.) Iron Man finds one of his Iron helmets (or
whatever he calls them) buried in some ruins...so he gets in a time machine
(oh brother) and goes back to medieval times, to fight dragons and hit on
fair maidens and the like. ('Cause he looks like a Knight, see...) So,
it's not okay for the AVENGERS to go back in time to prevent, say,
Washington blowing up, killing millions of unsuspecting citizens...but Iron
Man has the keys to the time-car, and can go for joy-rides at his every
whim? I guess it pays to be a billionaire! This comic is a work of genius!
Badly conceived, poorly executed, cliché-ridden, laughable genius! I can't
wait to see what comes next!!
TITANS: (DC)
Oh, man, this book is cursed! Cursed, I tells ya! It gobbles up talented
creators and spits them out, about two steps back from where their career
was at the point of achieving this "dream" assignment. Ever since the much
cherished PEREZ/WOLFMAN days came to an end, this title (and the many
different incarnations in between) has struggled to find it's voice. A new
low was reached, when JAY FAERBER (apparently due to editorial
insistence) introduced a bunch of idiotic children (in hopes of creating a
spin-off, one would presume) who took over the book for an entire year,
relegating the TITANS themselves (You know, like, from the book's
title!) to a supporting role. Since leaving the book, Faerber has
found success with a new IMAGE title of his own creation, NOBLE
CAUSES, further confirming our 'cursed' theory in regards to the Titans.
The current team of TOM PEYER (of the very excellent, but under-ordered
HOURMAN), and BARRY KITSON (Where's EMPIRE, Damn you!)
are doing their very best, it would seem, to continue the tradition of
wonderfully putrid stories, designed to make hundreds of long-time readers
flee the title each month in disgust. Mission accomplished! Good job,
gentlemen. (Hey, at least the art is nice). As much as I'd like to see
Peyer and Kitson ditch this dog for a revival of L.E.G.I.O.N '02,
there's part of me that wants to know: How low can the Titans really go.
Conclusion: Apparently pretty low.
WOLVERINE: (MARVEL)
Wow! This book is a perfect crap-storm, raining down on a parade of shame!
This is a book about Wolverine getting into barroom brawls...only, for fun,
he just slaughters everyone. Ha ha. Good ol' Wolvie! FRANK TIERI
has taken what should probably be the NEW Marvel's flagship comic
(and feature film) property, and turned him into a walking train wreck with
claws. How bad does this book smell? Imagine a rotten egg, being eaten by
a skunk...then imagine the skunk being hit by a garbage truck, landing in a
garlic patch, and decomposing for the next week or so...then imagine another
skunk coming along and eating the first skunk, then shitting him out and
spraying it with his skunky stink. That smells like roses compared
to this book. I don't know about you, but I buy two copies just to keep the
sales up, so the creators will be allowed to continue what could very well
be the most side-achingly horrific sideshow reject on the spinner rack. Grade? A++
AMERICAN CENTURY: (VERTIGO)
Judging by the sales numbers, not many readers are buying into HOWARD
CHAYKIN'S latest attempt to live the life he's always wanted, but could
never have, through his characters. (And this time he brings DAVID
TISCHMAN on board the sinking ship.) The book's main character, HARRY
KRAFT (formerly HARRY BLOCK -- soon to be HARRY PALMS if he keeps up the
way he's going), is inserted into different historical hot spots (circa the
1950s) with the sole purpose of sleeping with every female within a 30-mile radius. (and, interestingly enough, he seems to have achieved his
goal.) Hey, if 'unlikely sexual encounters' are your thing (in other words, if you buy HUSTLER just to read the fake letters page.) then look no
further! Then, after a night of filthy sex, Harry likes to go out and get
in fights...which often end up with his having to shoot people in the face.
Oooh, macho. The only thing more fantastically painful than reading the
actual comic is reading the vomit-enducing, pun-filled solicitations in
PREVIEWS. Even PETER DAVID wouldn't resort to anything that
pun-dane. (Get it? Pun-dane? Instead of mundane? I was making fun of
puns, while making one of my own! Move over, RICH JOHNSTON...'cause
MARVILLE, here I come!) So to sum up...If I haven't made it clear by
now....I love this comic!
HELLSPAWN: (IMAGE)
Thrill to the sight of ink-smudge, as he goes up against the evil might of
the villainous paint-smear! I've been reading this book for several issues
(admittedly due to the whole MIRACLEMAN uproar) and still don't have
the foggiest as to what's going on. I think SPAWN is in
it...but I can neither confirm nor deny this information without the help of
some sort of specialist. Still, every time I see a new issue on the shelf,
I find myself shelling out...just to see how ridiculously vague and pompous
it looks and reads. I'm pretty sure the book is actually a joke...and I'm
reasonably certain that the joke is specifically aimed at me. But I still
buy...Oh, how I buy. This is just too deliciously terrible to pass up!
Well, now you know my most intimate secret, but as far as intimate secrets
go, it's really not such a bad thing, is it? I mean, okay, so I buy bad
comics on purpose...does that make ME everything that's wrong with
the comics industry? Why, yes. Yes, it does. Sorry.
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U-HAUL
I was going to continue my coverage of the U-DECIDE titles (Captain
Marvel, Marville, Ultimate Adventures) but after only two months of the
proposed 6-month event, the contest has already broken down. ULTIMATE ADVENTURES #2 never arrived at my store, and is now at least two weeks late, with
no mention of when it may actually arrive. With GET KRAVEN also
falling off the schedule, it looks like Zimmerman has joined the
'chronically late' club, frequented by the likes of [edited so we can keep our jobs] and JOHN CASSIDAY. Oh yes, and not only is BRYAN HITCH the president...he's
also a client. (Of course, in the past it seemed that only the really
talented creators were invited...so how did Ron manage to weasel a
membership? Oh yeah...I almost forgot...he's got Quesada wrapped around his
pinkie.) At least in Zimmerman's case, nobody will bother to complain about
the book being late...or whether it shows up at all!
But I digress... With BILL JEMAS' U-Decide entry being truly awful
(but not good bad like the books mentioned above), it leaves PETER
DAVID and his excellent CAPTAIN MARVEL series to sail to
victory, unanchored by the other two silly contest entries. This doesn't
mean that sales will justify the book's existence past the sixth issue (which
would be a shame), but it does mean David has some serious bragging
rights.
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GREEN ARROW: SECRET FAILURES AND ORIGINS
As you've probably guessed from the above header, I had a few problems with
this book. Let's start with a minor grievance. The cover. Look familiar?
It should, 'cause it was also the cover of GREEN ARROW #10, with a
different background. What happened was the cover for the last chapter of
scribe KEVIN SMITH's extended "Quiver" storyline was finished
before cover artist MATT WAGNER was informed of what the actual
content of the issue was. So he painted a beautiful illustration of Father
and Son, set against the background of a starry night sky. Not too shabby.
But when Wagner realized the action was set entirely indoors, during a
satanic ritual, he changed the background of the painting to reflect a
swirling mass of demons. Also very eye-catching. So why is DC merely
slapping the "old" version of the cover on the expensive Secret Files and Origins book rather then having a brand-new cover commissioned? It's too
bad, because it gives the book a generic look that comes across as somewhat
ordinary. Next time, write off the mistake and give the fans something new.
The cover is the main selling point off the rack, and if we're getting
repeats already, then it puts a "lazy rehash" stigma on the entire
package.
Now for the bigger problem. The main story features a look back at original
Green Arrow's "longest shot ever," by soon-to-be ongoing writer JUDD
WINICK. Here's where things went sour...Ollie is in a dark park at
night when he comes across two creatures (one female, one male...both
looking slightly less than human) scuffling in the park. Ollie's reaction?
He fires two arrows into the back (Yup, into the back) of the male,
without so much as trying to find out what's going on first. Then, as if
that weren't bad enough, when the female creature tries to get away, Ollie
shoots her in the head with an arrow, killing her instantly. And he
still hasn't bothered to find out what's going on! I mean, this is a world
where many of the heroes are non-human...so for all Ollie knew, both
of these creatures could have been heroes having an obligatory scuffle, like
we see all the time. Then along comes Green Arrow, who tries to murder
them first and ask questions later. Then, to make matters worse, Green
Arrow is tricked into killing the same monster he attacked without
provocation earlier, and sadly proclaims..."I killed a good soul."
Unfortunately the sentiment loses its edge, when you figure in the fact
that Ollie had tried to kill him on purpose just a few pages earlier. Sure,
we know the cranky ol' Green Arrow is a hothead, but he's not the type to
fire a fatal shot without first knowing the score. Hopefully this isn't an
indication of how the title character will be treated during Winick's
tenure.
As for the rest of the book...it's filled with, well...fillers. The best
part of which was seeing young Ollie's parents get mauled to death by lions
thanks to "our hero" being too stubborn to take up the bow. Ha ha. What
fun!
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And another one's down, and another one's down...another one bites the dust!
That's it for this time, but I'll be back soon to spread the love. In the
meantime, if you're looking for something to give out to the kiddies when
they come a trickin' and a treatin' that doesn't have more sugar than
Cuba...why not use this as an opportunity to get rid of some of those early
'90s IMAGE and VALIANT titles. That way you can be
sure the kids will avoid your house like the plague next October!
(Me, I have 200 issues of BATMAN: THE 10-CENT ADVENTURE to hand out
to the older kids. I originally bought them to take to the children's
hospital to hand out, dressed as Batman...but changed my mind after reading
the issue, and finding some of the images too disturbing for sick kids. The
saddest part was I tried to contact DC COMICS several times to
confirm that the issue would be suitable for the occasion, but never heard
back. Hopefully SUPERMAN: THE 10-CENT ADVENTURE will be more
suitable, as I intend to give my plan another try. Although I may get
another friend of mine to do the "dressing up like Superman" part. I
wouldn't want to scare the kids into thinking Superman went soft. (I have
the body of a "writer" not a "fighter.") Have a great Halloween!
AND SCREW YOU HACKERS!! (This was an add-on...to show my feelings towards
those who willingly and callously destroy other people's hard work, just for
laughs. When I destroy other people's hard work, you can at least be
sure it's for the money!)
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