By Derek Miner
February 10, 2003
THE FIRST ANNUAL MESSY AWARDS
Thanks to everyone who took part in the voting for our little awards.
After several months of choosing quotes from critics blindly, it was
great to see the readers' choices for the best of them. The way the
votes came out, there were several ties. I will therefore reveal the
top ten vote-getters from fourth place to first place.
Tied for fourth place:
"Better than SHANGHAI SURPRISE! It just sits there like a side-dish
no one ordered."
Paul Clinton of CNN on SWEPT AWAY
"You could run this film backward, soundtrack included, and it would
make no less sense."
Stephen Hunter of The Washington Post on BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER
"Distinguishes itself only in featuring a level of ejaculate rarely
found outside of hardcore porn."
Nathan Rabin of The Onion on NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER
"Bloated with gags that couldn't amuse a five-year-old huffing
nitrous oxide."
Tor Thorsen of Reel.com on THE MASTER OF DISGUISE
Tied for third place:
"You will need to lover your expectations. A lot. No, more than that."
Edward Johnson-Ott of Nuvo Newsweekly on MEN IN BLACK II
"In episode nine, Jason went to hell. Now, with the 10th, it's your turn."
Wesley Morris of The Boston Globe on JASON X
"Wait for video - and then don't rent it!"
Steve Rhodes' Internet Reviews on KNOCKAROUND GUYS
In second place all alone:
"Crikey, what a croc o' shit!"
Eric Campos of Film Threat on THE CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISION COURSE
And tied for first place:
"You'd be better off tossing your nine bucks in the street and
watching people walk by for 80 minutes."
Jeffrey M. Anderson of The San Francisco Examiner on THE MASTER OF DISGUISE
"Sets animation back 30 years, musicals back 40 years and Judaism
back at least 50."
Roger Moore of The Orlando Sentinel on ADAM SANDLER'S EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS
Congrats to all the critics who make it fun to read the bad reviews!
Keep it up!
Before we move on to the winner of the Messy for the "Biggest
Cinematic Turd of 2002," I'd like to make up a couple awards right
here on the spot.
First off, I have a "Flattery Will Get You Everywhere Messy" for
Bryan Davis, who submitted his own critique of my column:
"CRITICAL MESS achieves the thoughts of the better half of American
culture into a colorful digest of blatant truth and vulgarities...all
used in better taste than the particular movie they are
slandering."
Secondly, there's a "Good Sport Messy" for Bryan Johnson, director of
VULGAR. Mr. Johnson mailed in a vote for his own film, curious if
there would be "a cool award and ceremony like the Razzys?"
Unfortunately, this is about it, Bryan.
Now, before we announce the winner of the "Cinematic Turd Messy," we
are going to have an interpretive dance medley highlighting each of
the sixteen finalists with routines choreographed by Debbie Allen.
Just kidding. But here is a brief recap of all sixteen finalists, in
order of theatrical release:
SLACKERS
ROLLERBALL
CROSSROADS
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER
JASON X
VULGAR
BAD COMPANY
HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION
THE MASTER OF DISGUISE
THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH
FEAR DOT COM
BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER
SWEPT AWAY
HALF PAST DEAD
ADAM SANDLER'S EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS
EXTREME OPS
Running very closely behind the winner were BALLISTIC: ECKS VS.
SEVER, CROSSROADS, and SWEPT AWAY, but the readers' choice for the
2002 Messy is:
ROLLERBALL!
Last but not least, I have to announce the two winners of my
makeshift contest. As promised, I randomly drew one entry from each
of the two categories, "2002 Messy" and "2002 Quotes." Each of these
lucky winners will get to select a movie poster from my forthcoming
list of titles. Congrats to Joe Pasquarelli and Shawn Wines for being
randomly selected!
Thanks again to all who voted!
E-MAIL AUTHOR
