LIFE IMITATING ARCHIE (ARCHIE IMITATING LIFE?)

By Peter DeWolf

It was December of 1941. The Yankees had won the World Series. Joan Rivers had just had her first face-lift. And, from what I can gather, there was some trouble in Europe.

A little company came out with “Pep Comics” and introduced us to a redheaded character named Archie Andrews. I doubt that they knew how huge an impact this would have on the world – even sixty-plus years later.

No, I am not kidding.

You all know the story of Archie, I’m sure. Boy meets blonde. Boy meets brunette. Boy wants both. Girls won’t go for it because of certain hang-ups with regards to non-traditional sexual groupings.

At least that’s my take on it.

But that is not the focus of this piece. We are going to discuss how Archie is a perfect mirror of society as a whole.

Seriously.

If aliens ever land on earth to learn more about us – and everything I’ve seen on TV and the movies has lead me to believe they will – they should look no further than an ARCHIE DOUBLE DIGEST. (Or to a lesser extent, ARCHIE’S PALS N’ GALS.)

I can tell that you are not convinced. Please permit me to elaborate.

For six decades, Archie comics have been the barometer of the fashions, concerns and slang of the children of the era. (Though I am curious as to when folks were bandying about the term “hornswoggled”.) You read an Archie story and you can immediately tell when it was written. The flattop haircuts. The flowered bellbottom pants. You get the picture.

There are some exceptions. For example, there are the “Archie 1” stories, which are essentially “Jurassic Arch”. Caveman-era Archie and his crew hang out with dinosaurs, invent fire, etc. Of course, because of the dialogue, you can even pick out when some of these were written. Case in point: there was one where Betty invented a boomerang - which she called “an outtasite stick”. Why, you ask? (Wait for it…) “’Cause she can throw it outtasite – behind that rock and clobber the beast.”

Gold.

There are also a bunch of stories called “Archie 3000”, which are, obviously, based in the future. I do have one question about these stories though: Why does Archie have a mullet? Seriously, have the Archie creators been given a horrifying glimpse of the future that we haven’t yet been privy to? Someone get Stan Goldberg on the horn!

The people who produce Archie Comics understand the power that they have. A number of years ago, they started running PSAs that said:

“You don’t need drugs to… Play sports… Meet new friends… Enjoy music… Just feel great… You have a choice… say NO TO DRUGS.”

I love it when people use their position to educate. Though a few years later, they changed it to:

“You don’t need drugs… To deal with stress… To enjoy a party… To be a winner! Say “NO” to drugs!”

And that can only mean one thing… Apparently you DO need drugs to meet new friends. I kind of suspected that anyway.

The various stories about ol’ Frecklesnoot and his gang have also taught us a great deal about human frailties. For example, there are at least six stories that I can remember where either Mr Weatherbee or Fred Andrews gets a wig. (They are always ugly and ill fitting.) However before anyone can tell them how ugly it is, a breeze invariably comes up, knocks the rug off their head and it ends up as part of a bird’s nest. The birds in Riverdale have some of the warmest asses ever.

School principal Weatherbee is a great example to kids about never giving up. The fat sonofabitch starts a new diet every month. He enlists the aid of the cafeteria broad and the two strive to help him lose weight. But, we all know what happens. People eat tasty food around the ‘Bee. He gets hungry, he gets weak from lack of food and finally he gives in and eats brownies. For some reason, it’s always brownies. Regardless, the very next issue, he is at it again. I’ve met government employees who learn quicker than him.

Weatherbee also keeps forgetting that he is 137 years old. He straps on his old football uniform – mentions that it has “shrunk” – puts on his old leather helmet dealie, and then has the beejesus knocked out of him on the field by Big Moose. Apparently Moose hits him so hard that he gets amnesia because within a couple of months, it’s leather helmet time again.

Fred Andrews also has the same never-quit attitude. He shows it with both jogging and football (usually on the beach.) Archie calls him old. Fred gets annoyed and decides to show up the young whippersnappers. Fred runs/plays for like five minutes and then Archie is left to drag his tired old ass home.

I don’t know about you, but these comics have also always showed me that no matter how bad things seem, everyone’s luck will eventually turn around. Even after Archiekins screwed up hundreds of Mr. Lodge’s business deals – normally by knocking the business partner into the Lodge’s pool – once in a while it turns around. Sometimes the business partner is excited to do business with someone who knows such a “refreshing young man”. Which always leads to Mr. Lodge slipping Arch some cash and telling him to take Veronica out on a date.

(What’s the deal with Veronica wanting to bone the son of every one of Lodge’s business partners anyway? Tramp.)

Mr. Lodge is an optimistic old fart himself. The guy buys a new boat every 4-6 months. Seriously. They always sink. It’s normally due to someone slipping on a wet (or occasionally just waxed) deck and falling on the accelerator when they are close to a rocky shoal.

I can just see Lodge going to a boat shop now:

Salesman: Mr. Lodge… Back already?

Lodge: Don’t ask.

Salesman: Archie?

Lodge: You got it.

Salesman: Rocky shoal or wharf?

Lodge: Shoal.

Salesman: Left you swimming away with a shark chasing you?

Lodge: Two sharks.

Salesman: Nice touch.

In the numerous Archie comics I’ve read, Archie has destroyed $7,546,975 worth of Mr. Lodge’s prized belongings. The funniest part is they are always top-heavy antique vases. But, Lodge keeps buying new pieces for his collection anyway. Here’s a thought, buy art that isn’t so tippy, ya silly bastard! (I’m sorry; I just take my Archie very seriously.)

The muscular Big Moose also shows the same kind of determination. Before every big game he fails a big test. His teacher, Miss Grundy, is always persuaded to let him take a makeup exam, which is always right before the game starts. (The gang always pulls an all-nighter with him.) He starts writing as the team is playing. Miss Grundy grades the test and Moose (just) passes! By this time Riverdale high is losing badly. But, fear not, the second half opens with Moose tearing through the opposition like… Winona Ryder through anti-theft tags? (Too soon for that joke? Too late?)

Archie comics are also concerned about the entire world, not just what goes on inside Riverdale. They even started a bunch of stories years ago called ‘The S.H.I.E.L.D’ – which was essentially the spunky redhead fighting Nazis and whatnot. Sounds reasonable to me. I guess this would be like tuning into “JUST SHOOT ME” to see David Spade take on Sadaam. Hey, but at least they try, right?

To fully explore Archie, it would take a number of columns. And, to be honest, the blackmail agreement I made with the folks here at THE ‘SHOOT is good for only one. So here are a few more random thoughts for you to ponder:

- Jughead: Gay? Narcoleptic? Suffering from a tapeworm?
- Who writes the lyrics for ‘The Archies’ songs? Was it the folks from American Idol? “The Archie group, like chicken soup, will cure whatever ails ya. Our songs are loud, we please the crowd, our music never fails ya!” What the fuck is that?
- I don’t care what anyone says. When I kicked ass at the search-a-words, mazes and quizzes, it felt damn good! Why, just yesterday--
- Why does everyone call Little Archie “Little Archie” when he is the only Archie they know? (Maybe this was around the time they started showering in gym class?)
- Don’t believe Archie was/is topical? Check this out: Reggie: “Arch, do you think we’ll have another gas shortage?” Archie: “Not if you try one of Ronnie’s home-cooked meals.”
- Why do Archie and the fellas get asked to judge so many beauty contests? And why do they keep agreeing to it? They know that they’ll be forced to try to pick between Ronnie and Bets. So they’ll have to give it to Big Ethel and end up ducking the shoes that Veronica throws at them at the end.
- For a small town, Riverdale has more goddamn haunted houses than every episode of Scooby-Doo.

What if they made an Archie movie?

Now, many of you are probably asking yourself, “Hasn’t Hollywood taken enough of our favorites from our youth and turned them into campy pieces of crap?”

Of course they have. But, they’ll probably keep doing it, so we might as well voice our opinions.

Plus there are a couple of other reasons for doing this:

1) It’ll pad my word count. (And let’s face it, I was kind of running out of steam.)
2) This is MOVIEpoopshoot.com, and not PeteRefusesToGrowUp.com
3) Editor-in-Chief Chris thought it might be interesting and I’m not the type of dude who bites the hand that feeds. (Well, there was that one time, but it was in the boudoir and is hardly any of your business.)

Casting:

Archie – After much thought, I decided on Danny Masterson (THAT 70s SHOW). He has that boy next-door thing that is necessary – if he loses the ‘fro and the sideburns. Obviously I am not basing this on box office appeal, or on whom the studios would want. In that case we’d stick Freddie Prinze Jr. in a red wig and have done with it. None of us want that.